What's perfect in life?

What, you expect another stupid emo post about how a relationship between a guy and a girl and how it can/will be perfect blah blah...
That's NOT gonna happen (ahah surprise!)
Because...
I'm done with this shit! I found the perfect ideal relationship on Monday at OG outing hahaha yay! Hooray for me! :D :D :D !~ I'm so happy I can't relly describe it ahaha! This feeling of freedom and the unbearable sweetness of life really cannot be dampened by anything! Whee! Haha!
Life suddenly feels better :D
I tell you more people should learn to be like me :)
Hmm, I feel like changing away from this sad blogskin, should I put flowers? Or hearts! Heehee really too happy with life now sia hahaa!

And you said I would only be happy in YOUR arms
Now I laugh at you and all your stupid charms!~

Fantasy requiem

It seems as though I cannot pull out smoothly. I can't ignore the imba feelings. Another wound analogy, this is like when you get a bad injury, and its healing yet not completely healed, you get this sick urge to touch it and feel pain. Somehow that's the case.
I hate this.
Kindly,
A) Give me a list of ways to purge myself
B) Intro me to someone who can go on a "date" so I can prove the fact that there was nothing special about her after all
C) Uh shoot me in the head?

And meanwhile, please, no offense but, GTFO of my mind!
To cut this tie, I need a very strong scissors. I could turn to hating everything again I suppose, but that would push me back where I want to exit from. How, how, how. Why did I ever let myself actually like someone?
Mistake for a guy to make, if you think your not hot enough, don't try for girls. In fact, it would be wise if you totally IGNORED this shit. Really, its not worth it if your looks let you down. Or you not rich.
I got stats to prove it ok!
Of the 20% of girls unattached and looking for attachment in RJ,
1/3 are out to cheat your money and feelings
1/6 are crazy
1/6 are not very hot
and the last third are those who already like someone and are doing things to get his attention so they won't notice you.
In other words, singles, don't waste your time.

What are your special somethings in this world?
Tell me!
Hope, faith, kindness and worst of all love.
From where does such foolishness spring?
The only morality in a cruel world is chance.

Did it really matter?

The promos are over. I probably died for maths and possibly everything. But I don't care anymore. Somehow, there's this apathy towards everything around me now. I actually enjoyed myself for only 1 hour plus, then I got the tragic realization, and I really didn't feel anything until later when I was trying to sleep, that the pain started. Its like when you get a really deep cut, how you can see the bone and muscle tissue for a while before the blood gushes out, and even then the pain only registers after some time.
I realize that after all, someone like me would never be blessed with that kind of ideal relationship.
Ironic that I thought it would be good.
First in sec 2. That was fate's cruel trick against me, but then again it was such an immature attraction I could only say it was puppy love.
Then came the long standing hurt. I won't say much, save that the story was black to the core, and that it was some of the worst shit that could happen in one's love story.
But the feeling I had for the past few, I swear, cannot be compared to those I've been having recently. Its the kind of feeling you get in really good dreams, or when you lose yourself in sweet memories and daydreams. Wish I could have kept these forever. They were the best actual glimpse I've had as to how it feels to have a heart.
That was simple naivety. I should never have given myself false hopes, nor even thought that such a perfect thing existed in this corrupt world. How many times do I have to be burnt by these ridiculous things before I realize that after all, a true relationship only becomes successful if its based on lust alone?
Perhaps I should go along that road. Leave the dreaming to the perfect people. If I think only that way towards someone I "like", having no true emotional feelings towards them, I would not be leaving myself open to being hurt so bad anymore.
I hear stories of others' success. I look at my own many failures. Some are meant for that kind of perfection. Others are meant for sex. The road I have to take? I don't know. Will someone please tell me if I should stop letting myself be hurt? Or carry on because it would all be worth it?

You know the thing about life?
It's bitter.

What really matters...

You know, I think my promos are really dead. As in, I really have only finished studying chem, and I don't think I can actually do very well in it, but yeah. Circumstances seem to be against me, I only managed to come to terms with things in recent days. But, I really don't think this is as important as others make it out to be. I think that if I don't want to get H3 subjects, then I would not really need imba grades nay? But I want to do well anyway, so I kind of feel damn lousy. Heh.
As for other matters, I realized that there are many more people fantasizing and thinking about ideal relationships in RJ right now. Well like I said again, you're not alone. For me, I think I can do a little classification now.
Guys generally fall in 3 categories with regards to liking someone.
1) The average man. You are a person who has dreams of an ideal person you would fall for, you would want a relationship in which you are a match for the person mentally and physically. Basically, your ideal person would have looks and yet have that special quality that can't be described which will make you glow warmly inside whenever she talks to you...
2) The romantic. You dream of an ideal relationship, with that perfect someone that you feel is absolutely flawless in every way. The girl may not be the perfect person, but to you, she is everything about the world that is good. There is basically this attraction on a non-material plane that exists, and you cannot help but completely adore the person...
3) The lustful. All you care about is the carnal aspect of love. Nothing would attract you to a girl save her looks and whatever you think you can do with them. Any girl would do, as long as she is hot, regardless of personality. There exists no particular special feeling towards the person other than physical attraction.

Well, I know people from all 3, but I think I somehow manage to fall into the romantic category. Even though my speech may suggest otherwise, I actually somehow managed to find that special feeling that I cannot place, which somehow hit me. I don't know. Maybe someday I would actually be able to make my dreams of perfection true?

By the way, this post was supposed to be for the past sunday, but I only managed to post now.

If I were to find that one true feeling,
Would it be able to stop me killing?

Poetry

I think, now I know where I stand.
After the mugging session on Wednesday, in which we brought up many of our problems to discuss, I now know what is wrong with me, and how to deal with it. We also discussed The Story, in which I have yet to find a suitable creature or object with which to define Hp, as the only thing we could think of was something...shifty?
Well, I know that I cannot leave somehow, I'm bound to this fate for good or worse. I believe we are all in control of our own destinies, but there are just some things too painful to change. This is one of them.
Thinking and thinking again, I feel better or worse at different times. Wish I could do something to clarify my doubts, but I would not risk the losing of the chance.
Ahh, even if she would never think of me so, I will elevate her to a position in which she was too high up for me. This is the true meaning of poetic love nay?
The promos are coming. I have not had much time to study, nor do I have the good luck to have peace at home in which to study in. But I still managed to squeeze some days in school to study to a certain extent. I hope for the best, and do my best as well. For those who still think of me in a good light, wish me luck man, I think I will need it.
Like I said, I will elevate her to that state, but if she allows it, I will elevate myself to that height as well, so that I can be there to guard her forever.

There are those whose hearts
Are wholly given over to others.
Happening to me I now know,
What it feels like to really, deeply
Have someone in your heart.

If I could change my thousand destinies...

I would change them all to be with you.
Well, yeah. Those were some song lyrics.
But anyway, I seem to be too weak to quit the game.
Its like I cannot, somehow. Ah well. I will divert attention, just as I have done with my other problems. I understand now. It is not right that I make others suffer because of what problems I may have. What's personal should stay personal. I'm sorry for letting it eat at my working things, like PW and in class behavior.
As a very important disclaimer, I must let you know this, I am definitely not in as bad a case as I seem to be in from this page. Here are the feelings that I feel at the times when I'm at the most hopeless or down, I really still try to maintain my cheer in school and not let things affect my disposition. But then sometimes, the weight may be too heavy for me to bear. When times like that happen, don't blame me too bad for it.
Against other things, I think I just need to study, even though I don't really have the drive and the goal to do well. But, I feel that every normal guy has the freedom to like anyone they want, even if the person be someone out of reach, and NO ONE can fault me for this. I am only human, and susceptible to this stupid weakness that all men have.

Life, this game.

How to quit a game you don't wanna play

When enemy has mega creeps, what do you do? Of course you quit the game la!
Well that's in dota, I wish life were as simple. But, I find that even though I already clicked the leave game button, I still am lagging at the stupid white screen quite unable to exit the program. Why so?
Why my com so lousy?
This analogy would apply to a real life situation I'm in right now, one which I'm trying my best to get out of and cut my losses. There's no point trying to be romantic, I just want to revert to the old days now. When you have no hope in doing something, you have to have the courage to drop it.
Even so, I heard the stories about the success of others, and really, some of them were so very touching. If only I had met that girl, things would be very different. But though MY story had an interesting start, and an okay buildup, the ending was real bullshit. It's like those horror stories, where the suspense builds up, and just when there seems no hope for the hero, he wakes up and realizes it was all just a dream.
Sigh, I would say I'd like to be the star in my own romance.
But that's quite a long shot.
Villains in stories, which is the role I would be cast into, have no chance to get any girl whatsoever. They instead end up dead trying to screw up the hero. Well, this villain has left the damn game. Think of it as the Iago who walked off the stage, unwilling to play the villain anymore.
Admitting it does not help a lot, it just shows the bleakness of prospects. I was stabbed in the dark by a force I do not know. Suddenly things were out of control. I somehow knew this story would turn out like this if I were to act out this particular role.
Throw that all out the window.

"Almost Easy"

Bleak

I just realized that I have been quite an idiot, not only to myself, but to the people who really matter to me. Sorry if I ever mistreated any of you. I should learn to control myself.

If you were to live my life
Would you do the things I did
All the suffering and strife
Could you really take this shit?

Girl. You. What you did.

Well yesterday was a terrible day I don't wanna recount it so yeah.
But I must say something, sorry for the scene people.
Since most of the girl readers were probably scared off this blog from the last few posts anyway.
I shall say this, girls need to be more sensitive in the right way. True, yall are sensitive to vulgarities and the little nuances in our behavior that annoy the hell outta you. But when it comes to trouble, a lot of girls need to work. Nobody can take an epic amount of shit without breaking. Not even guys. There's more to say, but I just can't find the right words to voice it. So here I end about myself.
And on behalf of a friend.
There are those girls who think they can fuck around with a guy's feelings and get away scot free. Well, I think that playing with humans like that is not a nice thing to do. Very not nice.
I expected more from RJ girls frankly, I thought at least they all had good upbringings. Never lived up to any. I am a person who values relationships and friends a LOT. So I will never try to intentionally play with a girl's feelings, if I like someone its because I really do, and I care about the person. Just would like to remark, that was a mighty shameless thing to do, to play with boys. If anyone tried that shit with me, if I found out, not even death would save you...

And then she closed her eyes
Let go of all her lies.

Was't for naught?

I feel damn confused. I just absorbed the fact that there are a HELL lot of guys in J1 now who are being emo about girls as well, cos they did something wrong, or are just damn confused, or liking a girl for which they have no hope with. (me >.<) Either way, cheer up guys, you're not alone. You have your friends, and you WILL NEED THEM, if you ever start with these feelings, I'd recommend talking it out with your close friends. Try not to talk to girls about these things too much, cos they might
1) Be jealous of the person in question, and do all they can to screw you up
2) Accidentally leak some stuff and screw you up
3) Sell your information for popularity as a gossip girl

Either way, I'm not trying to be sexist, but when it comes to these kind of thing people seem to take their gender as their side, and will do everything to make the person from the opposite side do as much to make their side happy.

Frankly, if you are in my situation, just give up. Cause there's nothing that you can do, if your results suck and ur not damn hot. But, I can't bear to tear myself away. Even if they said the heart turns cold 5 hours after its torn from the body, the arteries still will remain, and since they are a part of the heart, well not all of it turns cold. Get the meaning?
Bleh. I can't quit. I just cannot bear it. I hate myself for being so shit that I can't even bring myself to put down what I've taken up, and still complain about it. Life. Promos. Help me.

Was it for this the clay grew tall?

Green

There are times when I get jealous. Jealous of others around me. You see, everybody wants to be happy, but there are those who have to take the shit that the happy people leave behind.
Well.
I don't have charm, charisma or looks, which are what girls want. I don't have achievements in sports or school. My results suck. My thinking is warped, my language is foul. My family ain't rich. No girls have/would have expressed interest in me. I got no cool CCA or hobby, I like to fight.
These things make me unhappy, jealous. There are those with all the above and crave for more. There are those with nothing, not even food, and envy me. I can't say that I deserve pity, I'm only being human by being jealous, after all. If life were a story, I seem to be cast in the role of villain, in fact, I think I fit that role. Well, if I were the hero of a story, the story would be FuTDM. (F***ed up to de max)
Even so, I have one thing many people don't have. For only some, have the lotion. Well that was rubbish. Actually, very few people have some of these things I have. For one, an awesome class of sec 3 and 4, 4P! They accept me and even welcome me for who and what I am, which is more than I can say for almost everyone in RJ I've met, (other than my OG). Heh.
Another. I have true friends. Now, people would say, "But I have true friends!" Ah, you see, only in the crucible of flame does the facade melt and the truth reveal itself. Look, where are your friends now? Most friends like fair weather. They hate emo people who think life sucks. They only like cheerful and funny people. Well guess what? My friends kick their asses. Seriously, through this recent period of time then I realize, its the guys who are really pulling me through. My closest group of friends, who I always hang with, walked with me even through that dark night, and gave me the strength I needed to pull through. Who says guys cannot be sensitive and caring? Though, given the chance, I would do the exact same for them, if only I had the skill to not screw up if I tried, but I'd try anyway. Somehow, I can't imagine my girl-friends doing this. There's only so far a boy-girl relationship can go without getting married I guess. Plus they run at the sight of blood :P

DISCLAIMER:
If you feel offended by anything I said, tell me here. Both of us would benefit.

And now, we'll exchange our vows...

Reveille

I realize now.
All things grow up one day. Even me, when I never thought I'd have to finally let go of that childish innocence which I was still clinging to even at this age, through all the trouble I've been through. But finally, I realize, its been futile. Now I really have no more ideals in life, the world has fallen to gray. Lost hopes, shattered dreams, broken friendships, false virtues, unfulfilled wishes, unspoken requests, all I see with clarity. Where is good, who is evil? Am I good or evil? I am neither and both. The world is complicated, and now I gotta face that, all my actions have consequences.
For those of you whom I've wronged somehow, forgive me, you know I would not have meant it in malice. If you find me annoying or stupid, whatever complaints you have, put them aside for now, I will apologize if I know what I did wrong. Give me this space so I can have somewhere where I'm free to express myself, since people find it distasteful to listen.
I was a fool chasing after a ridiculous dream of finding true love (what's more, its usually girls who dream of this), and now I see cold reality. No wonder poets all write emo love poetry. Having come to this point, I decided: "Hey, there's no hope in this, let's have fun while it lasts". Thus, let me now have fun...

I want to say I'd screw the world,
But what if the world was not a girl?

Today, the girl...

Well, at least I faced up to things. Let me remind you, things are not fixed, but I'm taking a different track to things now. I will try to be as happy as I can, to be better company for those who actually care for it. Even if it means I'd be a bit over done, please forgive, its better than me being homi/suicidal. That's that for my real problems.
As for useless goldbricking problem that I concocted myself to try and cure myself, its festering.
I meant my trying to distract myself using girls, specifically one.
Well, to say the least, it didn't work at ALL, in fact, it managed to get me more shit than I ever could imagine could come from one place. Even though I felt nice for...1? 2? days, its not worth it. Today, I stand here right now, to declare.
I, Moses,
Who did try to do things to that end,
Have nonetheless decided to
Quit this game while I am ahead.

That should be the end of that. I'll leave the love to others, I will try to get to the same level as Leo, though I should think I'd never reach there...
But today, let me tell you what happened.
There was, these few signs,
Then, someone confirmed my dream
Then, I went home, and my bro was showing me the vid for "A Little Piece of Heaven".
For those who don't know, its a youtube mv of the song by A7X, where this dude gets rejected by his girl, then stabs her and eats her heart. Then he keeps her corpse and dances with it and wdv, then her corpse comes back to life, rips his heart out and eats it too. Then they both go to hell, where they reconcile (as zombies) and then come back to life (still zombies) and massacre people at a wedding, taking over, they get married in a parody of marraige and live happily ever after.

That much said, it doesn't take much for a twisted mind like mine to see the significance of that to my life. Well, freaky...
Here's the link, the quality's not good but still creepy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvLjZLWdTeU
Have fun. If you want to tell me not to kill her, there's stil time before the full moon ; )
Anyway, if YOU read this and YOU think you are the girl in question, please try to clarify things with me. I really won't kill you, but I won't bother you with this kind of shit again. May you live happily ever after. "Cause you were all up in a piece of heaven while I burned in hell no peace forever..."
Well that's modified but anyway I don't care.
I QUIT.
READ ABOVE.

Here is a lesson that I learnt,
Playing with fire gets you burnt.

End of all things, even bad ones.

I finally passed that point. Frankly, I never thought I'd survive this, but somehow I managed to pull through, even so much that I now have my old self back (relatively).
At least there be things that I can see that I look forward to now. Well, I had to have broken out of that down period. After all, if I didn't, then I wouldn't be here writing now nay? Quite bad to have my very last post as something like that. Even when I read it could also think that i was psychopathic one. Haha. I will leave it there, as a testament to how low I had fallen, and perhaps maybe some poor person who's having as hard a time may look and feel hope?
But,
I could never have pulled through without you all. I mean you, my friends.
To my friends Bak and Eddie, who kept me with their humor and fun in life. To Hp, and all his advice, I know you meant well. To Leo, who was beside me even in the darkest abyss. To Miss Tang, for the talk and counsel. To my PW group, Danny, Yen and Cass, for being so understanding and encouraging. To those in class who comforted me. To my family, if I did not love you all, would I suffer so? To any who cared at all.
Thank you.
Well that sounded emo, but yeah, I really appreciate things like this. When people fall so far they WILL appreciate and remember, no matter how black hearted a person may seem.
Even though I personally feel better about things, does not mean that my problems have gone away, just that I have learned to become stronger. Its how you deal with it that counts in the end I guess.
As for finding romance in school, all that lucky seven shit and whatnot...
Who needs it, right? Gives me a whole lot MORE shit than ever.

There's nowhere to run,
There's nowhere to hide,
There's one thing to do,
Just stand here and fight.

Heroism

Actually,
This is not heroism. This is a person trying to cover up for his being a loser by pretending he don't want something. Sour grapes.
What the fuck ever. I don't give a fucking damn now about what you think about me. Think me screwed up for all you want. You see, there comes a time where one loses his drive to life.
Only friends. Only I live for friends. I cannot live to provide a better future for anyone, as I see no future for myself. I cannot live for my own future, its gotten fucked up its ass. I cannot live for grades. They look worse than me. I cannot live for love. (according to my theory)
I can perhaps live because some people in my family are living for me.
But when they go I will find that courage to consign myself to hell.
To end this.
Like I referred to just now, love.
True love I thought I felt, but had to throw away. I figured something out. Only heroes and prince charming handsome people are allowed true love. Commoners and scum like me may only live for the lust that burns bright within all human beings.
Every time I try to do math I get stuck in 5 seconds and cannot do anymore.
I can't do this. I am hopeless at math. Fuck.
Looks like I am going to have to get retained. Gyahaha fucking life.
I perhaps can continue living. But what the fuck am I studying for now?

Not one FUCKING thing.

If you love me
Kill me.

The black abyss

This is it. I would have tried so hard to find that one person for me, to get that one thing that could possibly distract me from the bleakness of life. Yet, no chance. As I ran away from the ravening troubles in life that seek to devour me, I saw the door of love open, I saw Her on the other side, with a sweet smile, that I will never forget. Then, I saw Him. Desperately increasing my speed, I had hoped to reach that last ray of hope that remained for me. But, even as I thought I could make it, prince charming managed to slam the door shut to me in my face. With such a small action, this last hope for redemption and salvation for me is gone. Running out of energy to escape from the real face of life, I give up the fight. Standing still, the demons of my life overtake me, and all is dark again. The ray of light, gone.
Life. Absolute darkness and despair. The black abyss that is my soul overflows. Tears of blood and darkness flow from my eyes. Even as I feel this pain I suddenly realize, this is where I belong. I like it in the dark. Well, I have to like it, as this is the only place I can go.
Extended metaphor aside, you guessed it. I feel that someone like me who has so much shit to deal with at home cannot possibly compete with a prince charming. It's not that I cannot be bothered. Thinking deeper, I find that if I were to ask and she were to accept me, she would have to face the same hell that I have. And I could not possibly let her suffer this torment. Already when she saw the surface of the fetid lake that is my life, she did not know what to do. I will not let her suffer, she deserves better, to be happy. Thus in gallantry and caprices, do I go forth to face my life, alone, in the dark. Will there be anyone who will become this final ray of light, or will I let my deepest, darkest self out into the open and manifest the beast within? Can I control myself? Only my close friends stand by me now. Everyone else finds it too hard to come down into the dark pit to face my troubles with me.

Anyone wants a light?
Here, burn my funeral pyre.

Tragicomedy

Hai its that time again.
I find that this part of life is really epic for me. There's this element of tragedy and irony I cannot resist partaking of, yet I know of the consequences of this. You see, I feel that I am acting in a romantic tragedy.
Behold:
This love epic in my life.
A tragedy with a twist. The Malcontent is the hero. Prince Charming is the villain. Who is the girl? Won't tell you :D
Twice fallen from grace, twice I climb those slippery steps again. And race towards the confrontation with the protagonist. How does it feel to be the antagonist? Now I know. I know the struggle whether to sacrifice my morals for what's good for me, or retain them and watch helplessly as she gets taken away for the second time in this dreadful life. Whether to try or to give up. I have no idea. In all tragedies there comes the tragic flaw, I'd say mine is being human. Humans have this innate desire to experience that which makes a human woman most beautiful, and even makes a plain woman look pretty. The innate desire to love. But can a Malcontent such as I ever aspire to do so? I do not know. I "am a demon, after all".
All tragic plays end with a tragedy. Well, if this one ends in tragedy for me who am the villain, won't it be a comedy? Yet if it turns out that way, then its a tragedy for me. In this sense while others will look on me as the villain, I can only look on myself as a hero nay? Thus if I Fall it would be a tragedy heh. Well, like all other plays, this one ends with the girl getting married to prince charming, showing that good (looks) always triumphs. The villain gets damn pissed. The villain plots revenge. And what will this turn out to be like? A revenge tragedy now hee hee! So cool siax. Let us hope it will never come to this point.

I have done all I can and challenged all but fate
I have fought, bled and carried on to reach this final gate

Moses
RJ :(
Ex 4P dude!
BB o7!
09So7B
That girl :D
Better looks
Better grades :p
An improved guitar
Get your songs here!
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