Puzzle without pieces

I realized that few people have come here since I changed skin, perhaps people like to read emo and don't like the new change in setting. :/
Ah well. Tomorrow's the day of judgment. Also the actual end of the stupid OP rubbish I'd been slaving over for ages. And perhaps the other affairs I can resolve to will be resolved and the hols will be fun for me!
I decided to drop the hardcore metal stuff and play classical love songs, then realized that I hadn't touched spanish romance so long I haven't got the barre skill anymore. Damn.
Well, getting back my skill at classical would help me attract more girls I guess haha.
Some emo dude who write's (bad) poetry and play guit, who can resist! :D
Ah delusions of grandeur.
Weird things happening a lot nowadays. Some birds flew off with my fried egg at lunch yesterday. A foot long snail is currently inching towards my house gate D:
Some crazy cat gave me scratches outside my house >.<
Animals don't like me hai.

Some times in your darkest dreams you will feel the haunting pain,
Silent tears of your hidden fears come to haunt you once again.

Lost Sheep

I am lost yet again. I hope, really hope and wish to get the friend back, even if relationships are no longer going to be possible. Yet I feel perhaps it may be possible? Mixed signals. Confusion. Doubt. Gyah really I don't know what to do, and school is ending. Whatever I want to do or have to do I think I gotta do it like soon. Real soon. Grr.
Otherwise I think I'm kinda happy, though when I am alone myself sometimes, I do think and feel sad for what might have been! Or when I go out I get jealous :(
I want advice! Send your advice on whether I should try for friendship or relationship or quit or continue whatever! I just need some 3rd party opinions. Email these to f4llen_h34rt@hotmail.com now and stand to win a grand prize of 2 bucks for the best advice :D
Lol that was stupid but yeah I want some advice tyvm :)

Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow.
Now he's lost and is waiting to be found once again...

Camaraderie

Yet again, I receive proof that no proper friendship can be sustained between a guy and a girl. You see, once the venomous touch of romantic attraction sets in, be it among the two, or involving an outside party, then things will fall apart as fast as wet tissue.
I don't know why every time I try to get past this, something will happen to own me.
Really, I think I should have been treated better. If there was ever anything that bothered you, you should have told me everything as what a TRUE friend would do, and also thrashed things out till both sides are happy. I really value my friends, and it does hurt when one of them reveals their true nature to be like this.
Even so, I have to console myself. After all, there's no sense in trying to maintain such friendships. While I may value it a lot, I know you certainly don't and even treat this like some pain in the ass.
I think I shan't be stupid and try to fix things every time, like a dog begging for scraps.
Even worse are the special feelings.
You will never be able to fathom the hell you've put me through, girl...
But now, saying my final goodbyes to this friendship. You finally proved me right irrevocably girl, for that I owe you. May your deviating path in life be smooth.

Let your emotions sign you an aria of grief
And shattered dreams, healing wounds bleeding beneath.

Catharsis

Yet another time when I had a long talk with Leo.
I feel that I now understand myself better, as well as all these new emotions that have come out because of growing up and seriously liking someone for the sake of liking.
One of the major mistakes I've made this year is in my treatment of girls. Somehow, ever since that realization that I was being cheated or maybe I was deluding myself, I tend to think that no friendship with a girl is going to be left untainted by some form of romantic inclination, and no such friendship would be able to withstand that kind of shit. Also perhaps was afraid to admit that I didn't want friendships with girls for fear of reliving that nightmare. Well since I already am in the process of reliving it I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I should perhaps treat girls as any other guy then maybe I would be able to deal better with others.
Secondly, I know I may not have been the best of company in class. I always would seem unstable and damn emo. Well, some of you might know, life has not been very kind to me this year. I've been down to one of the lowest emotional points in my life. If not for constant support from the people who care, I would likely not be here to write this now. Bear with me please, perhaps even forgive. It's been a bumpy ride.
Thirdly, I always think that girls think the worst of me. Perhaps this is high time this complex left me. I think having a first experience with girls that was SO bad not only screwed my impression of girls but also left some long lasting hurts. They are still in the process of healing. Girls, please be patient.
A last realization would be the fact that everyone is just who they are.
As long as I am true to myself, as Leo pointed out, the rest of the world could think me screwed up and I won't care. We should all accept others for who and what they are, and more importantly, accept yourself. It will be damn hard for me, I know, given the number of internal demons I have, but I believe that one day perhaps the sun will shine on me again.
And at long last, the relationship thing. I really think that even though it may have spawned hell on earth for me, it is just something natural, perhaps also born of my desire to erase the previous shit with a new and happy story. I should have nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth, and neither should you. It just means you were good enough, and I was brave enough. I don't have any other motive or expectation except to come clean. Please do accept this and not kill me when I present this most vulnerable point to you. I hope that seriously, even if you do not consider me in that special light, allow this person to remain your friend. It would be harder on me than on you. (or you could always give me a chance :D :D)
Meh what the hell, am I still hoping?
Damn, that kinda spoilt the tone to this ending. Ah well.

It was only at the end, after the felony was committed, that he realized everything.

When we are out there in the dark...

We'll dream about the sun.
In the dark we'll feel the light,
Warm our hearts, every one.
Come on, you have to know those lyrics!
Haha it has been a looong day and way too tiring also. ALL the results back on the first period, let's just say I did better than I expected :D
Some tube of acne cream and a rotten make up dish thing found pasted all over the inside of my bag. Wash until everything soggy already. Then had to carry all the shit around. Was not in the best of moods till school ended, then finally got to hang out and relieve that stress heh.
It's kind of interesting how people deal with relationships. We all decided to either dormant or quit the games. Either way, it was ourselves who got into this nay? I for one have decided already. But I somehow lack the balls to do it...
Grah, life ain't that fair, I guess when this all is over perhaps I would settle down with some random Lian or something from some random place heh. It appears such people MAY indeed be more sociable and open...
Talking to Her makes me feel damn lousy and failure. I probably should stop trying. But I think ending like this will be a damn good and fitting end to a lousy love story which deviates so much from a love story to become a tragedy that I would grade this a fail. Ah well that's my story.

Ok. Now. Proof that I am not as emo as I sound.

Haha! That was during out class BBQ yo! See that I still can wish for peace and smile ok!
Who the hell said I would let relationships screw up ALL my life? Maybe some parts, but hey I still can be happy de hor!

It's results that count.
Mine aren't that great.

Blood is thicker than water

Well people, it has been a journey.
All sadness and no gain. What a waste of my time. In fact, I got a worse situation now than previously intended. Sigh.
I realized that no matter how hot the water is, it cannot be changed into blood. Not by me. I know it was stupid but this is where I ended up. Ah well...
Water is thinner than urine. Its a fact. A relationship between boy and girl is equal to urine, its useless and a pain to have around. So, that should be the natural case, that you would value your piss over your water. However, I now feel that the mistake I made was to do the very same above.
I lost a friend over a stupid fucking relationship. I also lost the will or desire to make close friends with ANY girl, after all, my first girl close friend turned out to be like that. I see now. If I never did feel that I could bring the relationship to a BGR, none of this stupid fucking shit would be happening now, we'd still be friends, I'd still think of girls normally, if not in higher regard.
WELL GUESS WHAT?
I'm sick of this shit. Sick of watching all my close girl friends get pissed off with me just because they think I like them or I professed the latter.
It's time to make a change.
I won't make this mistake again.
Though it may hurt to break my one chance at that ideal relationship like this,
I think, a friend is worth more than a mere chance at having a romantic relationship.
Plus, this dumb romantic thing, it ain't going nowhere. Both people are gonna get hurt if this persists. Better to tell the truth faster, then things could go back the way they were, and she would not feel so awkward around me.

If you are reading this, girl,
You should know now,
I said I'd always be there,
I will still be there,
But this time,
I'll be there only as a friend.

Nobody's perfect

I realized that nobody is perfect. All have their own flaws, and no one can expect any other person to be able to understand and empathize completely with any other person. Today's conversation with Leo enlightened me to this. Now, this is the case, so I have to accept it. Nobody's perfect.
Well then, since nobody's perfect, who do I like? People would ask/have been asking nay? I tell you. She's nobody.

A Nobody is what's left behind after the heart becomes a heartless -KH 2

Trial by Fire

Today, I did something quite stupid yet interestingly noble. Given the choice between 2 people who would you side with, that one or your friend?
I don't know what the hell I am thinking at the moment, but I can say that I think we should always stick with friends.
Ok I have lost it.
Shit.
I should be a hell lot more sensitive to girls, and I would NEVER again talk about weight in front of girls, seeing as how I bet a lot of girls are so jealous of me that they want to kill me all because I can eat like hell and not get fat. Ah well, it's this very thing, ironically, that prevents me from obtaining a girl of my dreams. Life likes to play with irony nay?
Oh but after talking about my past fucked up relationship life I feel better. So much so that I wanna talk about some physics thing we did in sec 2 or 3.
The question was "Explain explicitly why the ball would slide slowly down the slope before falling steeply as the slope falls away."
The answer (this is uncensored) "The fucking ball slides down the damn slope because its fucking gravitational potential energy is fucking being transferred into fucking kinetic energy and thus it bloody moves faster until the fucking drop, where the goddamn ball falls right fucking down to the fucking ground because of fucking gravity."
Lol. I loved those times.
Nah we never actually submitted it but it was fun anyway!
Pw dry run on Wed zzz.
I want to slack also cannot sia! Won't relationship problems and the like just...go away!

Those were the times, my friend,
We thought they'd never end.

Slaying the Beast within

Ok, I have to post twice today. Felt damn lousy after this morn, so I went to rest. Could not sleep, lay awake damn long thinking about my past relationship life. I realize its actually been one damn long sad screwed up story.
Perhaps I would write it down. Maybe it would help people understand me better.
Ok here goes.
My first target was in sec 2, someone I met randomly. That could only be like baby playing la. I thought I was being interesting and brought her to eat at Han's outside National library. I had a hell lot of fun. Then, I thought of this damn bright idea to go zoo with her, because she wanted to play with Orang Utan or something I forgot. So we went, seeemed to go well until the end. Her FRICKING father came to pick her up without prior notice. He saw me then thought I was some asshole who was trying to play with his daughter. Shouted at me in public, things like "You think you RI can anyhow with girls arh?" That was the end of that. The pain of a short but sweet relationship broken. The humiliation of public embarassment. All these contributed to my madness and anti-establishment behaviour in sec 3.
Then. The more serious one. Act 2 took place in Sec 3-4. I knew this girl for so long. I knew her from somewhere I won't say. Anyway, I only started getting the feeling in Sec 3 end. Then started hanging out with her and some friends randomly. Had a lot of fun. One very particular conversation at the Esplanade bay haunts me. The night of bitter-sweetness.
Friends: Hey, lets go toilet, leave those 2 to their privacy (snigger)
(leave)
Me: Erm...
Her: They always like that one la. Relax!
Me (lies down): Ok. Ahh this place is damn nice, especially at night. I love the night, it's so peaceful.
Her: Yeah I love the night too. I especially love the stars and moon. They're so pretty.
Me: Like you...
Her: Heehee thanks...you not that bad looking also what.
Me: What? Really meh!
(friends return) conversation ended there.
Well its all that I can actually piece together offhand from memory anyway. Bah you may think its nothing but it was a special time for me. Then in sec 4, I followed the advice to confess on the V day. I did with a card going to the house. Had a long talk, thought it went well. Then increasingly, she started becoming colder, though we still went out with friends sometimes. The third month after that day. I finally found out that she already had this guy she liked and was going out with. Some bastard AC rugger. She never told me, I don't know why. I assumed the best and say its because I still got hope. So this year start I thought still can, I deluded myself into thinking so. V day again. I got flower. Wanted to give her that. Outright rejection now. I finally realized. I stopped. Now I can't bear to talk to her. I became damn screwed up now. Thinking the worst of all girls and the concept of love.
Even so, I managed to fall again. This time, the feeling was the strongest, either I grow up and my feelings matured more, or its the right target? Whatever the case, I never thought this would happen. This story ain't over, so I can't reveal the details. But I can say that there is also a guy involved and I ain't no match. This story will end soon. I plan to reveal my hand. That way, my hopes will be crushed before they get high, so it won't be as painful, no doubt it would hurt as hell already. That's why I went out today, to get my thoughts straight. I hope my stupidity will end soon, and I won't fall again. Some were never made for this love...
In this, I am alone. I envy those who can get those girls so easily. I really wish I could have been one of you. Really I do. But the fact is, some are not gifted with that attractiveness nor character nor attributes. Who'd like ugly stupid emokids lol.
My friends, I hope you will be with me when I make the ultimate stupid act, this is only in self preservation, if I let this feeling build more and if it gets dashed to pieces, then so will the remnant of my sanity. Please guide me and let me survive this act. May God help me too. All who care, protect me from myself...this Monday.

It's past the point where I could turn back now.
Help me while this goes to the bitter end.

A magic trick

Sorry, I feel I have to do this.
If you are wondering at all why I keep saying I can't die if I'm stabbed through the chest.
Its a figurative thing. I never denied that I had a black heart. But now its beyond black. I think its been stabbed so many times it no longer even resembles a heart.
In fact, the pain of this gets less and less. I only feel the fleshly hurt now and no longer the pain of the heart. Heh. I think there will definitely be other guys who are in this state of numb, where things no longer matter as much. I know there may be some girls who are similar. But, I don't care a damn! Hohoho, it's a prejudice the same I have against AC :P
I especially hate girls who are shifty and lead guys on or at least never outrightly reject a guy at the start, when actually they completely don't have any feeling towards them and never will. Or worse, already got boy. Those really deserve to burn in hell together with the cardinal sin of romantic love.
Ok this would definitely have helped out some sad soul who also got burned by the black flame of passion felt when you like someone who does not reciprocate but behaves so.
I know the world is DEFINITELY not as sweet as you think. I know the true ugly side of the world. I know the worst nature of a human. I hate love and love hate.

He was stabbed in the chest, yet did not bleed nor die
What is this? This is MAAAGIC!

Once more, with feeling

Yet again, I get thrown back here. Today another person, someone whose opinion is quite reliable, related the information that the person I liked was very pretty. I know. It's like there's something that's preventing me from dropping this. I can't believe it. Need someone to help me get over this haha.
I really cannot put down the potential that I would actually have found the right person. Nor the many times where I dreamed of what might have been. Well yet another of life's cruel pranks on me. I cannot and really cannot decide whether to give up. Help!

"To feel the warmth of her embrace,
Or to see her beautiful face..."

Solace in Darkness

I think somehow that I cannot face the world properly anymore. I walk around in school with this hunted feeling, like someone is watching me. I think it has to do with guy girl relations and I think its really ironic.
I already think there exists no hope, yet cannot bring myself to stop hoping. I know the stories, some have the evil person meeting a girl willing to accept him, and he changes for the better. It's stories like those that keep me believing in a thing called love.
Well to disclaim, I really not being emo, but I just finished OP draft script so I'm kinda bored...
Anyway, I'm giving this trash one more week. If nothing interesting happens by next week end I dao BGR become monk alr... : 3
I seek and find the comfort that lies in the darkness. If you don't see me around anymore, its because I'm hiding in dark places where the light won't shine on us. We are nowhere. But being Nowhere is damn fun haha, our secret projects and a place where we can play and swear like last year without caring about others! Singing stupid songs...don't I miss those times!

Guys date their girlfriends at the park,
I find my solace in the dark.

Echo of the past

Today, I spent the day with the people whom I spent the past 2 years with. Its this great nostalgic feeling, when all of us are together in one room, being able to shout and swear and play games and laugh, without caring about what the hell others were thinking about us, because we knew that we all would never be able to break this friendship with anything so trivial. We all know each other inside. We know that we are all nice people at heart. Being there just reminds me of a time where we were free, free from any real care about studies, free from the cares of girls and relationships, a world of innocence and purity, without knowledge of the damn lotion or bear or what the hell other sick fantasies people out in the world have.
No groping, no flirting, no thinking, no dreaming, no worrying. A world of freedom, my friends you know what I speak of, the Good Old Days, and I really mean good haha.
I know I've changed a lot. Part of me embraces the change, and knows it is time to grow up. The other part still wishes to remain as an ignorant and innocent guy with no thought about how my actions affect others, only that I have friends, family and am happy.
It's not possible, we all have to grow up. For good or for bad, I would not know. I have potential to be either. It's the people along the way that would guide and shape me, but for me to choose in the end.
On a different note, the secret project P has enormous potential, I just witnessed it today. Having that amount of killing power is awesome! I'm gonna get one!

By the way,
I'm writing this not for cash but to express myself, if you think it's too screwed or my language not bombastic enough or my metaphors not nice, my face not handsome, my name sound funny whatever, just don't read haha. Please don't get pissed off lmao!

Today I heard the echo of the past,
Back then, I always knew it wouldn't last.

There is someone somewhere watching over me...

I just realized that no matter what, I still am the same old person, like it or not...
True, I've grown quite a bit this year (compare to my 2007 blog entries haha) but still I have not outgrown my need to prove myself. Ah well.
I also got to know the feeling of liking someone for real. As bittersweet as it is, I'm kind of glad I got this, cause it means I actually have the propensity to do so. Haha.
I figured that I need to bear more responsibility for my actions as well. While it does hurt to have to grow up and face the evil that is the true side of the world, I feel I have to take it someday. Mom going overseas for a conference, means I gotta take care of my bro and the house. See what I meant about growing? Haha.
While the world isn't as sweet as I'd like it to be, I can find sweetness in friendship and who knows, maybe even a relationship?

If you eat something that's unbearably sweet, would you feel good at all?

(Only) Human

Ok actually, the previous post was pretty emo sounding. Bleah. But you know I actually am happier now!
Anyway, after going out with sec 4 girls like that, it made me really feel the lack of the innocent life that we led in sec 3 and 4 as well. How much we miss those days will be beyond words.
Ah well, we have to move on. ALL of my friends are having relationship stuff and problems now. It just shows how owned RJ is because we are all getting owned for trying for REAL relationships. Yeap, even the nice people (if you think I'm not nice then its not me, but there still are some nice people).
Hey let me get my take on this straight.
While I personally have little hope of getting one, doesn't mean I'd stop trying nay? For the totally depraved to seek divine salvation. For a evil person like me, searching for that better half of mine, it really can be seen as something dirty seeking after an object of perfect purity to cleanse it. It is nature after all.
But, I don't (well at least trying not to) get emo over these things now, because you see, the more importance and thought that you spend on this, the harder it is to talk to that special girl. So, spend less time thinking and more time preoccupied. It does help.

An echo of a paradise once owned by Man

The word that never was

Ok, for the benefit of those still not in the know.
I found the ideal relationship already. It has nothing AT ALL to do with romantic love. In fact, you could even be this ideal person that I can maintain a relationship with.
I would say that an ideal relationship is one where both parties can connect on a level above just talking, where interests and thinking match, and where you just feel happy and needed in the person's presence.
When I think of these things, I only can think of my friends. Haha.
I somehow cannot imagine myself in a romantic relationship with anyone anymore. It's just not there, like the word LOVE, which never was really a word. Tis what breaks many a man...
In fact, its the root of all evil. When you invert it, it becomes evol, sounds like evil nay?
Hie hie I think this is just the black hearted villain being sour over something I may never experience. But given my position, I think you'd be sour too, all you princes on white stallions...
Hahaha suck on this sour sweet, I found this little piece of heaven where I am happy for now. Imagine, the villain is happy, while you stupid heroes run about pleasing your dainty princesses. I think, maybe some princess would kiss the toad one day, and I might turn into a prince? Or maybe I become a frog. Whatever.
I never believed in it haha.
Its a word that to me, never was. Never is. Probably never will be.

Would you feel pity if you knew that
Somewhere out there someone
Is aching in his heart because
He is thinking of someone like you?

12.40 in the night, Someone is thinking of you

And then last night, I dreamt that she accepted my confession...haha.
Dreams are screwed up lol, last time I dreamt she liked the other one instead. Well either or neither is true, I don't care. I woke up thinking, "From where does such idiocy spring?" Ah, whatever.
I found my ideal relationship already, now I am more peaceful. Though I still can't drop my hope in the world that somehow, somewhere, a good relationship based on love does exist. And one day perhaps, I might find that one...

Thinking of the night sky, the stars, and you...
Damn it, you spoiled the beauty of the night...

Moses
RJ :(
Ex 4P dude!
BB o7!
09So7B
That girl :D
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