What calls to you most?

I've been reading the book "The Virus" in my spare time between the bear treatments. It talks about some weird thing that infects humans based on what calls to them most, their inner demons and greatest wishes. In turn, they would then find others who affected their lives in the greatest manner, and infect them. There was a girl whose boyfriend was stolen by her best friend, an insane boy who killed his pet out of instinct and guy whose girlfriend was an insane. All in all, I liked the storyline, and the degeneration of human spirit into insanity and waste as the whole world becomes infected and turn into creatures with marginal intelligence, crazy metabolism, and hunger for flesh, human flesh.
Heh it gets you thinking, what would make YOU fall to something like that? Will it be a screwed family life, a crappy "no-life" personality, or some guy/girl that you like?
I know for sure what does me in. It is...the cibus. In every book featuring any species of cibus animatum (walking corpse AKA zombie), they ALWAYS have the power to infect others to become cibus too. Well apparently I got infected sometime in the early holidays and got around infecting people. Literally. I got sick thanks to the emotional backlash that occurs after the epic book incident. Then pass to friends then now ALL become the cibus. Sigh. To change that I plan to become the bear. And not just ANY bear. The WERE-bear. Go gym till insaaaaanee!~ WOHOHO!~

What is that deepest pining in your heart?
I'll make sure you have it.

Somewhere in time

I will find you and love you again, like the wind sweeps the earth.
Haha! Sorry I'm really in love with the song "The haunting somewhere in time" now. It's like very apt to me :D
Anyway, I have been working on the map for the 4P ppls, if you have ideas for skills or sprites you want, tell me and I'll see what I can do.
The new holiday routine for me is hardcore, featuring protein filled meals (gosh I hope I don't get gout :P) and gym 3 times a week being fanatic muscular is damn fun! Well its a better kind of no-life than sitting around being sad anw.
The damn electric is DEAD! WTF! I just bought this year damn it!
So, its back to my trusty wife, replaying and learning new classical songs to melt even the coldest of girls' hearts. (well maybe except HER)
Doing CIP also (quite unlike me), perhaps to atone for my sins? I kind of decided that the reason why I can't get over this girl thing is because this is God's way of punishing me for giving the same kind of hell to my parents. Or something. So I go do CIP then maybe God won't hate me so much ^_^"
Then perhaps I can get down to mugging at that...
Haiya sian, the major question is, why can't I get over it? So useless meh?
Besides this, I realized it was EPIC STUPIDITY to give a girl solid evidence of our feelings in BLACK and WHITE (or actually blue and white) words. DAMN! Lets just hope she's destroyed it like I asked. If not I need to get it back! Uh...help?

What would make the blackest villain into a hero?

Regret

Well it appears that I'm not the only one facing rejekshun. But anyway, when one fails, another succeeds. I saw one of my friend's targets with a guy on the train today (as fate would have it). What can I say? I expected no less from girls. Never looking for the sincere, but for the muscular and black. Heh. I channel my energy into that then. Make me muscular and black! Then I can have my fun in this world nay?

I should never have bothered liking someone for liking's sake.

When the day's as dark as night

I know why this feeling now. Even with my close family, my parents and brother, I never ever did care as much as I did for that one stupid fucking girl. I dunno why, its a curse only I am afflicted with. I can't seem to return the love of my parents and family, no matter what. It's like there's something blocking me from loving the people who really matter.
I was punished with this hell, now I know how it feels to "love" someone who does not and never will "love" you back. Even though, of course, it was never my fault that I can't love the important people in my life, OR that I fell for the wrong person.
Of course, life would be fair, should both of the above be true, and being as much of a bitch as it is, I don't think it would ever do that.
Yesterday, I spent the whole time trying to find myself back. Where did the laughing child go? Where's the boy who used to marvel at the deep deep blue of the sky? Where's the guy who ran free on green hills under azure skies? Where's the boy who didn't care what others thought of him and loved life?
I know where they are now. They all died. After this recent incarnation of me died, I went to the afterlife, and found them all there waiting for me. Of course, they are all afraid of me, seeing my bitterness and anger. But still, they share one thing with me. They were all killed by girls.
I believe, that I should have been given at least a fucking chance to explain myself, this recent time. Somehow, I feel that I've been played by someone, or something. Things can't ALL go wrong on their own, can they?
I took a walk around the fountain of wealth last night. Inside the building, the smell of food pervading the place, I found several couples looking happy. Bile rises. I walk out, climbing the winding stairs, hoping to find inner peace in the noise of the busy city. At the rim of the fountain, I find MORE fucking couples walking around. Blood boils. Red mist. Kill. Control. Please. Help. I...actually cried there, what the hell. I think all this fucking relationship shit is turning me into an emotional wreck. I can't take this, together with the demons from my past, all at once.
Both times, I no longer even manage to maintain contact with the girl in question. Guess they couldn't wait to get me out of their lives. Fuck.

A life without hope or dreams

Oblivion

Hello, how are you?
It is a really dark and gloomy day outside nay? And you're just coming in to get warmer right? Well sorry, but this place is not really that warm. In fact, its damn cold in here. Well whatever, since you're already here, why not listen to a rant?
Ah come, sit down. Help yourself to any drinks you want. There's some lead shots in the fridge. Or would you like this? 3 year old arsenic, never been used before! Care for a taste? I think its the best after its dashed with a little cyanide. Anyhow, come, come let's listen shall we?
You see, the thing about life. We are all trapped in a spiral down and down to oblivion. Why else do you think our DNA's that shape? All will face this spiral at some time in life. The thing is, what brings you down? For me it was that final girl. What about you? Where's the culprit behind the uncommitted murder?
When you fall you'll know. Its this sinking feeling in your chest you cannot remove. It just takes all desire to do anything at all. So you sit there, alone in the darkness, watching the world drift by while you think and rethink possibilities and questions, regrets and missing answers. You just keep thinking until the darkness claims you and you fall asleep.
Ah you won't understand. You haven't yet reached that point in life. Well be prepared. Really, I should have seen this coming. But sometimes, you're just so blinded by foolishness, believing in truth and honor and most foolish of all true love. Ay.
In the end however, some don't get completely destroyed by the spiral. They feel anger and hatred instead. So they break the spiral with this newfound strength of theirs. And now, angry and hating, they embrace the world. That's what happened to me. So don't think too badly of me until you yourself face that problem. I'll let you in on a secret. You know what caused me to break the spiral? It's a small thing. Just one sentence.

"No one gets out of this life alive"

So. In the end, the girl who thinks she's so mighty will be reunited with me in death. I will be waiting. Oblivion will rejoin all together, the mighty and the weak, the popular and the meek. And then, maybe then, you'd realize the hell you've caused me. Oblivion awaits. See you soon.

Those without hearts seeking something to fill the void, found hatred in its stead.

Bye bye beautiful

Finally the hills are without eyes
They are tired of painting a dead man's face red
With their own blood

They used to love having so much to lose
Blink your eyes just once and see everything in ruins

Did you ever hear what I told you?
Did you ever read what I wrote you?
Did you ever listen to what we played?
Did you ever let in what the world said?
Did we get this far just to feel your hate?
Did we play to become only pawns in the game?
How blind can you be, don't you see?
You chose the long road, but we'll be waiting

Bye, bye, beautiful!

Jacob's ghost for the girl in white
Blindfold for the blind
Dead Siblings walking the dying earth

Noose around a choking heart
Eternity torn apart
So toll now the funeral bells

"No need to die to prove a lie"

It’s not the tree that forsakes the flower
But the flower that forsakes the tree
Someday I’ll learn to love these scars
Still fresh from the red-hot blade of your words

...How blind can you be, don’t you see...
...that the gambler lost all he does not have...

Lyrics. Perhaps a point that I have in my mind? I don't know.

We are 100!~

Haha its the 100th post!
And I hit the first 1000 views since I set the counter up 3 months ago! Lol a very significant milestone in my blogging history, first time I clocked 100 posts on a blog in my life LOL!
I shall not spoil this beautiful post with any emo stuff.
SO
Not talking about girls or RJ. It is time to talk about.
4P!
Wow I really can't believe you all sia. In the morning I see doctor for stomach flu and fever. Then I go sleep wake up still feeling like shit. Actually considered NOT going.
BUT I THANK EVERYTHING GOOD I DID!
Haha! Been damn long since we went out to arcade and swear at the machines and monsters and shit for owning us! Watch Slau get owned by Jorel at MVC till finally he win ONCE! LOL NOOB! HAHA but damn funny to watch him sia I really miss how cool joker our class was guys!
The dinner was winnage. At Seoul garden lmao. I sitting beside the table with the insane JOREL! WTH you cook better than Ben la! The others were Nat Kevin and Leo. I was doing fine, then I heard someone shout "WHAT THE F***!" then I went to look and really wtf sia Jorel put some raw egg in the steamboat, then put one piece of WATERMELON on the grill! Then I hear Kevin telling me "fried watermelon is nice to eat!" then I myself went "WHAT THE F***!" Then they tasted the watermelon and got much swearing haha. Lots of shit sia. The watermelon ended up like bubbling and popping all over me and I got damn pissed so I threw some leek onto their grill. Then the Jorel and Nat came back with some egg and mashed it with rice and pasted the whole cummy mess on the grill. WA SIAO! Smelly like hell la. Then Jorel take his chopsticks shove the rice off the grill into the fire pit, then burn till black and damn smelly! Zz. The remaining rice burnt and gave off the same smell lol.
After that I realized our table the steamboat pot water evaporated and end up like some shit stew or wth I dunno. So I threw beef in and pour more stock. Then the Jorel table said gonna clear their steamboat. So I took the whole soddy mess in the pot and chucked it in theirs. In this way I eluded the fine for wastage of food (btw the bulgogi beef at seoul garden tastes like shit)
Then celebrate Hiok's Bday. Lol he look damn WTF in the pink FBTs sia! Until we actually realized that they were longer than his PE shorts he was wearing. =_=
I made a dick with the sausage and fishballs! But it was Eddie's la mine not so short...
Hai I miss those times! I wish we could always do that man...

Ok Picts. This is the part where turned to look at what was inside their grill...

And this is the part where I commented on it. Betcha can guess what I was saying XD

4P FOR THE GREAT WIN!!!~

To me.

It has been some time. Yet another week, my mental state remains as unstable haha.
Seeing everyone around me like going off doing many useful things, getting work attachments like the HP or CIPs. And where am I? Stuck at home getting cut on the jagged edges of broken dreams.
Ay sucks. Wish I were stronger then perhaps I'd be able to take this shit better and get over it.
She'd have finished her O'levels by now, and we would have been able to go out...
Well that was how it is in the dreams. Or I'd be with the other person, the one who haunts my waking moments. The one who, for a moment, I believed to be the right one. Haha. So many fickle things flit through my mind, its a wonder I'm not insane. Or perhaps I am. I have given the girl a new nickname to alleviate the situation. Basically I guess it doesn't hurt so much in the sense that I can throw the damn possibilities of relationships out of my mind. But in both cases, I appear to have lost the friend that I started out with. The first is probably gone forever. The second? I don't know, but she's like afraid of me (maybe because she thinks seeing me is awkward?). If this friendship dies too, thats what really hurts me most. I did the ultimate act of stupidity and burned my chances (however slim they were) to nothing. And for what? All for the fucking truth, I felt that I owed my friend the truth. Well if there no longer is a friend, then I'd done that for naught. What the fuck.

All for her and all for me.

Where villains come from

Oh man. I realized that after telling her the whole story and thus destroying my last chance at a true relationship, I have not felt free at all, unlike everyone else. Like I said before, my liking her caused me to feel good whenever I was a nice person, doing good things. No doubt people may have thought better of me for that period. But now that hope's been crushed, all that I've done good serves to play as a mockery of wasted time, effort and emotion. So. I feel the urge to return to my old life of being damn screwed up. I really have no more incentive to be nice. Some people, cast as villains by the world around them, will never be able to get the bright relationship they need to heal the wounds and start life as a new person. They will then feel the bitterness of the world, and would bring those same feelings back to the world tenfold. Perhaps it is only me that sees myself as a villain. Bad enough. I know I lived a bad life and done violence to my fellow man. I have enjoyed the feeling of bloodlust and the blood fantasies you would experience in a fight, with the red mist of berserk frenzy at the edge of conciousness. Haha. I think, no girl would accept that. Well, no girl in her right mind anyway. I know my capacity for violence. I know I can kill a fellow man without qualm. Who could love such a person?
Heh perhaps I'm just a bad person trying to find something to purge this vileness. I've seen many screwed up people change completely because of a girl. I would have done the same. But fate, it seems, would never let me go towards being good. All the girls I liked so far have given me pain and no returns. With each failure, each scar on my heart, it becomes harder to be a better person, harder to see the beauty in the world. In fact, there is no beauty.
I denounce the nice things I've done.
Where something like this has made people like Leo think more and enjoy the universal love, becoming a better person, so has it made me a worse person. I know I never will be able to compare my personality with any of my friends. Having failed at love, I will try for the other strong emotion. Hate. Odium. Perhaps it would accept me?

(No) Remorse and (no) redemption.

Heartbreak Rhapsody

I realized I have been ultimate stupid.
Not only in what I did when I liked her, but in what I've just done. By doing the dumb book thing, I have still my own set of questions left unanswered, and she'd definitely not want to take them. Not only that, it also stated all the painful truths that is a confession in an impersonal manner. I wasn't even there to give her the exact meanings of what was written, so perhaps she might have misinterpreted it. I don't know. It's over, for the 3rd fucking time in recent history.
The last few nights were complete hell. I lie in the dark with pain in my heart all the time, thinking "If only I hadn't done that, if only I wasn't so stupid, if only I'd guarded my heart more, if only my previous try was a success". If only dreams would come true. Well actually they do. The nightmares, that is.
Now, she knows that I like. Now she feels guilty? I damn well should never have done that stupid act! I should not have written the damn book, nor given it to her with so little understanding! Damn damn damn. I really hope this will not screw my next year life in class lor.
Even though I'm supposed to feel freedom now, I feel like the drive to life is gone. Like I'm being pulled through life like a helpless marionette, not doing anything out of my own will, but mechanically, because I have to. Why can't I be like the other guys in this? Even people who failed got this bit of recompense, except me! I suspect that some part of me still felt there was a chance even after giving the book, that she'd be touched by what was written and like, accept me?
WHAT A FUCKING STUPID NOTION AHAHA!
Goddamn, I can't even fail properly now. I won't sleep tonight. I know the haunting pains will come again, and the silent tears will fall.
This has been very painful for me, I can't decide if it's more painful than the other one. Life's fair. Those people who have been cast as villains by the world don't deserve to get happy relationships, they are destined to fail and fail painfully until they see the world as so screwed that they become more blackhearted. It goes on and on like a downward spyral to hell. Unfortunately, I think I'm one of those villains. She was my reason for trying to behave normal and nice. In fact, when I am nice and proper in front of her, I feel good doing it. Guess thats gone. My last candle of hope for the Light extinguished by the dark hand of fate.
To the God whom I desperately want to believe in during this dark hour, I pray that You will guard my heart well, I really don't want to go through this again. Let me not fall for another girl who doesn't and will not like me back. Amen.

Quiet dark night, midnight melody.
Can you hear it? Heartbreak's rhapsody.

Terminus

The end of the PW season! Yet, I'm not really happy.
Stupid relationships still cause me hell and beyond. I feel the bitter irony, I'm trying to tell her the whole story and to end this rubbish. But there's trouble along this road too. More and more people are being dragged in out of nowhere, I really don't know what to do larh. I though doing the right thing and the nice thing would mean smooth sailing but looks like I was wrong.
I really cannot continue. I feel the pain through and through in my chest, burning my very soul.
I wish I could return to the times where my blog was just a place where I documented my daily life. Like when we won GwH for SYF...
Or the time when Kevin opened the ammonia in the chem test...
Or the chalets...
All lost before the girl. How life has fallen haha.
Well, please let me have the chance to explain it all and maybe, just maybe, things will return to the way they were...

Heal my heart...

Moses
RJ :(
Ex 4P dude!
BB o7!
09So7B
That girl :D
Better looks
Better grades :p
An improved guitar
Get your songs here!
You're currently listening to ; [SongTitle]

Leo
HP
Edmund
Jot
Jorel
PENG
SeeTow
Merrill
FatNat
HuiYing
Vicki
Natalia
Slau
February 2007March 2007April 2007May 2007June 2007July 2007February 2008March 2008April 2008May 2008June 2008July 2008August 2008September 2008October 2008November 2008December 2008January 2009February 2009March 2009April 2009May 2009December 2009January 2010March 2010April 2010May 2010June 2010


Designer:xMe
Image:DeviantArt
Editor:Picnik