Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Catharsis
Yet another time when I had a long talk with Leo.
I feel that I now understand myself better, as well as all these new emotions that have come out because of growing up and seriously liking someone for the sake of liking.
One of the major mistakes I've made this year is in my treatment of girls. Somehow, ever since that realization that I was being cheated or maybe I was deluding myself, I tend to think that no friendship with a girl is going to be left untainted by some form of romantic inclination, and no such friendship would be able to withstand that kind of shit. Also perhaps was afraid to admit that I didn't want friendships with girls for fear of reliving that nightmare. Well since I already am in the process of reliving it I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I should perhaps treat girls as any other guy then maybe I would be able to deal better with others.
Secondly, I know I may not have been the best of company in class. I always would seem unstable and damn emo. Well, some of you might know, life has not been very kind to me this year. I've been down to one of the lowest emotional points in my life. If not for constant support from the people who care, I would likely not be here to write this now. Bear with me please, perhaps even forgive. It's been a bumpy ride.
Thirdly, I always think that girls think the worst of me. Perhaps this is high time this complex left me. I think having a first experience with girls that was SO bad not only screwed my impression of girls but also left some long lasting hurts. They are still in the process of healing. Girls, please be patient.
A last realization would be the fact that everyone is just who they are.
As long as I am true to myself, as Leo pointed out, the rest of the world could think me screwed up and I won't care. We should all accept others for who and what they are, and more importantly, accept yourself. It will be damn hard for me, I know, given the number of internal demons I have, but I believe that one day perhaps the sun will shine on me again.
And at long last, the relationship thing. I really think that even though it may have spawned hell on earth for me, it is just something natural, perhaps also born of my desire to erase the previous shit with a new and happy story. I should have nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth, and neither should you. It just means you were good enough, and I was brave enough. I don't have any other motive or expectation except to come clean. Please do accept this and not kill me when I present this most vulnerable point to you. I hope that seriously, even if you do not consider me in that special light, allow this person to remain your friend. It would be harder on me than on you. (or you could always give me a chance :D :D)
Meh what the hell, am I still hoping?
Damn, that kinda spoilt the tone to this ending. Ah well.
It was only at the end, after the felony was committed, that he realized everything.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 8:26 AM
