Friday, October 10, 2008
Slaying the Beast within
Ok, I have to post twice today. Felt damn lousy after this morn, so I went to rest. Could not sleep, lay awake damn long thinking about my past relationship life. I realize its actually been one damn long sad screwed up story.
Perhaps I would write it down. Maybe it would help people understand me better.
Ok here goes.
My first target was in sec 2, someone I met randomly. That could only be like baby playing la. I thought I was being interesting and brought her to eat at Han's outside National library. I had a hell lot of fun. Then, I thought of this damn bright idea to go zoo with her, because she wanted to play with Orang Utan or something I forgot. So we went, seeemed to go well until the end. Her FRICKING father came to pick her up without prior notice. He saw me then thought I was some asshole who was trying to play with his daughter. Shouted at me in public, things like "You think you RI can anyhow with girls arh?" That was the end of that. The pain of a short but sweet relationship broken. The humiliation of public embarassment. All these contributed to my madness and anti-establishment behaviour in sec 3.
Then. The more serious one. Act 2 took place in Sec 3-4. I knew this girl for so long. I knew her from somewhere I won't say. Anyway, I only started getting the feeling in Sec 3 end. Then started hanging out with her and some friends randomly. Had a lot of fun. One very particular conversation at the Esplanade bay haunts me. The night of bitter-sweetness.
Friends: Hey, lets go toilet, leave those 2 to their privacy (snigger)
(leave)
Me: Erm...
Her: They always like that one la. Relax!
Me (lies down): Ok. Ahh this place is damn nice, especially at night. I love the night, it's so peaceful.
Her: Yeah I love the night too. I especially love the stars and moon. They're so pretty.
Me: Like you...
Her: Heehee thanks...you not that bad looking also what.
Me: What? Really meh!
(friends return) conversation ended there.
Well its all that I can actually piece together offhand from memory anyway. Bah you may think its nothing but it was a special time for me. Then in sec 4, I followed the advice to confess on the V day. I did with a card going to the house. Had a long talk, thought it went well. Then increasingly, she started becoming colder, though we still went out with friends sometimes. The third month after that day. I finally found out that she already had this guy she liked and was going out with. Some bastard AC rugger. She never told me, I don't know why. I assumed the best and say its because I still got hope. So this year start I thought still can, I deluded myself into thinking so. V day again. I got flower. Wanted to give her that. Outright rejection now. I finally realized. I stopped. Now I can't bear to talk to her. I became damn screwed up now. Thinking the worst of all girls and the concept of love.
Even so, I managed to fall again. This time, the feeling was the strongest, either I grow up and my feelings matured more, or its the right target? Whatever the case, I never thought this would happen. This story ain't over, so I can't reveal the details. But I can say that there is also a guy involved and I ain't no match. This story will end soon. I plan to reveal my hand. That way, my hopes will be crushed before they get high, so it won't be as painful, no doubt it would hurt as hell already. That's why I went out today, to get my thoughts straight. I hope my stupidity will end soon, and I won't fall again. Some were never made for this love...
In this, I am alone. I envy those who can get those girls so easily. I really wish I could have been one of you. Really I do. But the fact is, some are not gifted with that attractiveness nor character nor attributes. Who'd like ugly stupid emokids lol.
My friends, I hope you will be with me when I make the ultimate stupid act, this is only in self preservation, if I let this feeling build more and if it gets dashed to pieces, then so will the remnant of my sanity. Please guide me and let me survive this act. May God help me too. All who care, protect me from myself...this Monday.
It's past the point where I could turn back now.
Help me while this goes to the bitter end.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 9:47 AM
