Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Heartbreak Rhapsody
I realized I have been ultimate stupid.
Not only in what I did when I liked her, but in what I've just done. By doing the dumb book thing, I have still my own set of questions left unanswered, and she'd definitely not want to take them. Not only that, it also stated all the painful truths that is a confession in an impersonal manner. I wasn't even there to give her the exact meanings of what was written, so perhaps she might have misinterpreted it. I don't know. It's over, for the 3rd fucking time in recent history.
The last few nights were complete hell. I lie in the dark with pain in my heart all the time, thinking "If only I hadn't done that, if only I wasn't so stupid, if only I'd guarded my heart more, if only my previous try was a success". If only dreams would come true. Well actually they do. The nightmares, that is.
Now, she knows that I like. Now she feels guilty? I damn well should never have done that stupid act! I should not have written the damn book, nor given it to her with so little understanding! Damn damn damn. I really hope this will not screw my next year life in class lor.
Even though I'm supposed to feel freedom now, I feel like the drive to life is gone. Like I'm being pulled through life like a helpless marionette, not doing anything out of my own will, but mechanically, because I have to. Why can't I be like the other guys in this? Even people who failed got this bit of recompense, except me! I suspect that some part of me still felt there was a chance even after giving the book, that she'd be touched by what was written and like, accept me?
WHAT A FUCKING STUPID NOTION AHAHA!
Goddamn, I can't even fail properly now. I won't sleep tonight. I know the haunting pains will come again, and the silent tears will fall.
This has been very painful for me, I can't decide if it's more painful than the other one. Life's fair. Those people who have been cast as villains by the world don't deserve to get happy relationships, they are destined to fail and fail painfully until they see the world as so screwed that they become more blackhearted. It goes on and on like a downward spyral to hell. Unfortunately, I think I'm one of those villains. She was my reason for trying to behave normal and nice. In fact, when I am nice and proper in front of her, I feel good doing it. Guess thats gone. My last candle of hope for the Light extinguished by the dark hand of fate.
To the God whom I desperately want to believe in during this dark hour, I pray that You will guard my heart well, I really don't want to go through this again. Let me not fall for another girl who doesn't and will not like me back. Amen.
Quiet dark night, midnight melody.
Can you hear it? Heartbreak's rhapsody.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 8:24 AM
