Sunday, November 23, 2008
When the day's as dark as night
I know why this feeling now. Even with my close family, my parents and brother, I never ever did care as much as I did for that one stupid fucking girl. I dunno why, its a curse only I am afflicted with. I can't seem to return the love of my parents and family, no matter what. It's like there's something blocking me from loving the people who really matter.
I was punished with this hell, now I know how it feels to "love" someone who does not and never will "love" you back. Even though, of course, it was never my fault that I can't love the important people in my life, OR that I fell for the wrong person.
Of course, life would be fair, should both of the above be true, and being as much of a bitch as it is, I don't think it would ever do that.
Yesterday, I spent the whole time trying to find myself back. Where did the laughing child go? Where's the boy who used to marvel at the deep deep blue of the sky? Where's the guy who ran free on green hills under azure skies? Where's the boy who didn't care what others thought of him and loved life?
I know where they are now. They all died. After this recent incarnation of me died, I went to the afterlife, and found them all there waiting for me. Of course, they are all afraid of me, seeing my bitterness and anger. But still, they share one thing with me. They were all killed by girls.
I believe, that I should have been given at least a fucking chance to explain myself, this recent time. Somehow, I feel that I've been played by someone, or something. Things can't ALL go wrong on their own, can they?
I took a walk around the fountain of wealth last night. Inside the building, the smell of food pervading the place, I found several couples looking happy. Bile rises. I walk out, climbing the winding stairs, hoping to find inner peace in the noise of the busy city. At the rim of the fountain, I find MORE fucking couples walking around. Blood boils. Red mist. Kill. Control. Please. Help. I...actually cried there, what the hell. I think all this fucking relationship shit is turning me into an emotional wreck. I can't take this, together with the demons from my past, all at once.
Both times, I no longer even manage to maintain contact with the girl in question. Guess they couldn't wait to get me out of their lives. Fuck.
A life without hope or dreams
You promised me the sunrise,
at 7:04 AM
