Thursday, November 6, 2008
Where villains come from
Oh man. I realized that after telling her the whole story and thus destroying my last chance at a true relationship, I have not felt free at all, unlike everyone else. Like I said before, my liking her caused me to feel good whenever I was a nice person, doing good things. No doubt people may have thought better of me for that period. But now that hope's been crushed, all that I've done good serves to play as a mockery of wasted time, effort and emotion. So. I feel the urge to return to my old life of being damn screwed up. I really have no more incentive to be nice. Some people, cast as villains by the world around them, will never be able to get the bright relationship they need to heal the wounds and start life as a new person. They will then feel the bitterness of the world, and would bring those same feelings back to the world tenfold. Perhaps it is only me that sees myself as a villain. Bad enough. I know I lived a bad life and done violence to my fellow man. I have enjoyed the feeling of bloodlust and the blood fantasies you would experience in a fight, with the red mist of berserk frenzy at the edge of conciousness. Haha. I think, no girl would accept that. Well, no girl in her right mind anyway. I know my capacity for violence. I know I can kill a fellow man without qualm. Who could love such a person?
Heh perhaps I'm just a bad person trying to find something to purge this vileness. I've seen many screwed up people change completely because of a girl. I would have done the same. But fate, it seems, would never let me go towards being good. All the girls I liked so far have given me pain and no returns. With each failure, each scar on my heart, it becomes harder to be a better person, harder to see the beauty in the world. In fact, there is no beauty.
I denounce the nice things I've done.
Where something like this has made people like Leo think more and enjoy the universal love, becoming a better person, so has it made me a worse person. I know I never will be able to compare my personality with any of my friends. Having failed at love, I will try for the other strong emotion. Hate. Odium. Perhaps it would accept me?
(No) Remorse and (no) redemption.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 8:04 AM
