Tuesday, April 28, 2009
With awakening, the tears will begin.
OH SHIT. My previous post sounded damn...ugh.
On a side note, I keep feeling demon in the mornings these days. Onset of insanity? Shit. Just when life was getting interesting I feel evil. Today I even reasoned that I should skip the econs essay, if not I might get even more pissed off with it that I might harm people. And then I get called screwed up for that :/
Well people don't understand and don't know the truth, so they'd just think like that. Besides, you don't really care do you?
Heeh "love" strikes everyone around me. While I myself am still unable to get over this (shit), I still recognize that others in fact have the potential to attain happiness in such. So, I shall sit by and be happy for you all.
Argh I'm supposed to try something, but I have so much to handle I think one less problem would help. Anyway, I highly doubt the probability of success of any plan I might have with regards to this. Need someone to like talk to about this, preferably a girl, so I can understand more the other viewpoint towards such a situation. But unfortunately, most girls I know seem a bit afraid of me for some inane reason. :(
Ah well, dating's fun anyway. Even without the meaning behind it, I guess close interaction between 2 humans is something to be cherished. Especially when people cannot call me gay cause I'm with a girl :D
You know, maybe in another dimension, (if such things exist) I might have been a better person, more successful, in a nice sport CCA, doing well in studies and of course with you by my side. Hahah I still have to face all the wrong choices I made with every step of the way. Yes, ALL of them.
On a side note, if I do talk with a laconic tone or narrowed eyes, it probably means I'm in my demon mood again, please stay away if you don't understand what's going on. Well I heard that those are the easiest to recognize signs anyway. Don't blame me for what I do then either cause' I don't really think I'm completely myself. I'm still working on some way to fix this though, so cheer me on if you want...
Anyway, that's another reason why I'd have problems with girlfriends. Cause, I don't think there exists someone sweet enough to take all my "quirks" and feel happy with them. Even if there was, I doubt I'd like her back anyway, "love" don't work like that.
Cheers to you people who are in the "lovin", success is tangible to you! :D
You promised me the sunrise,
at 7:33 AM
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Lady Killer X)
Heh heh its damn fun to attract the attention of girls.
Especially when they don't know you!
Going to gym is like a cool way to flirt, here's the story.
On thurs when I went to solo gym, there was this large group of girls there, (actually not bad looking summore XD) somehow they come and like surround me and just sit there and stare at me (I'm serious.) so much so that I had to ask one of them to get off each machine I wanted to use. Well I would have gone free weights, but there were these 2 retard African or something dudes BENCHING each other, on the damn bench press machine, making orgasmic noises to boot, so I decided against it. But hey, its actually quite fun to have girls like giggling and/or blushing when you talk to them, even if its just asking someone off a machine. Heh.
I also developed new 1337 flirt skillz!
On boring bus rides, you can do this. Look around to see if any (chio) girl noticed you. This test fails if said girl is with boyfriend or boys. Then, you look at her till she notices you. Hold her gaze for a second, then look away. Look back at her till she notices you again, but this time you wait till she reacts, probably gonna roll eyes at you. Whatever the case, she probably will look away. Well just wait till she looks back, cause if you're good enough looking (:D) she will. Then play with facial expression to give impressions. But just ignore it all once you/she reaches the stop.
Ok that sounded like some flirt guide, but I think it would help guys to pass time on buses and trains! And maybe like hook some girl (if ur that despo.)...
But its damn fun anyway!
If I continue to do the buff, someday perhaps all the girls will turn their heads, not away from me, but towards me. XD
You promised me the sunrise,
at 8:18 AM
Monday, April 20, 2009
Death be not proud
I haven't blogged for quite a while...
I feel weird now and this time I have a reason. On friday, my grandad passed on. Heaven better exist for him to go to, cause he's really been through a lot. Took a skip off chem focus to go back, exchange parting words with him. Apparently the hospital people gave up on him and so he was back home waiting to die...
Well I remember before he got sick, at least one million years ago, in another lifetime of innocence and joy, he used to bring me to eat donuts and drink sprite at the old community center near our school now. For some inane reason, I was always loved by him, beyond all the other grandchildren perhaps. Maybe it's because I was the eldest grandchild. Well the weekend wasn't easy. The last thing I told him was that I'd protect everyone we love. So I tried to ignore everything, and let those who needed comfort find it. So much so that it appears I have not had the time nor the ability to mourn properly. The most painful thing is to wake up after sweet dreams of sunshine, thinking that it was any other day, that nothing had happened, before realization hits.
Today was the wake. All because of my "blissful" relationship tales last year, I appear to have lost the ability to cry. In fact, I only teared a bit. Of course it doesn't help that you're crying inside, crying to the void but no one will ever hear it. It's just sad. Ironically, one of the last things he wrote about me (cause he couldn't talk) was asking of my results, and the phrase "Have you seen his girl?" Shit. I have a picture with me now. It's in my writing pad, to help me remember, and to push away the pathetic thoughts about "my girl" and help me press on when the going gets tough. At least there are SOME who care, especially Yen, who showed the most concern so far. Thanks friends!
For the time being, I guess the picture might hurt me to look at it, but eventually I'd be able to be motivated by it to carry on. Damn, I kinda hate life now, cause there ain't much of a silver lining to living, where and what am I looking forward to?
If not for the living and the dead, I won't even bother. Seriously.
Ok my thoughts may not be the most articulate here but today was the funeral wake after all. Cut me some slack man.
This may be my last post here, so cheers to all you readers.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 7:17 AM
Friday, April 3, 2009
Yeah you heard what I said.
I have a real need for someplace where I can like freely complain. No, not complaining as in my normal whining for fun, but as in really rant and pour out my misery and pent up emotion. Really, this was like the prime reason for my searching for that special someone. Unfortunately, in the opposite sex I find myself highly disappointed. I'd been shown to my face time and time again that once girls like hear you out once or twice, they start to get annoyed with you and like tell you (or hint) to fuck off.
Sensitive. Thanks for the concern, its really helped me lots.
Well then, since my blog's off my msn, here I can finally rant, shout out my anger, frustrations and sadnesses to the unending silence, and no one will be there to hear it. I think even my guy friends have their limits heh but really I think life's just that hot.
So what if my birthday's around the corner? It makes no difference, I just get more expected from me. Hurhur at least can smoke. XP
I find life's positions strange. One moment, I was the one looking for girls for feelings, not looks, and Eddie was the one going for looks. Now, after learning never to feel too much for one person time and time again, I am looking out for looks, while our friend Eddie happens to fall in love. Good luck there, at least you have a good team.
See man my results also vair nice I got quite a bit to look forward to. And to all those pompous assholes who look down on me, go fck yourself, failing which you can try a tree.
All my good humor with jamming vaporised cause I tried to ask someone a simple question, unfortunately said person was so "hot" that she my good mood evaporated and now I'm boiling too. Thanks loads.
My best consolation's that I no longer feel the hurt I would have previously. Unfortunately, this also means that I lack the propensity to love anything or anyone now. :/
Well I guess I could do without that. Being callous can be fun too.
Personally, I think it would be interesting to read my blog like 10 years down the road, in the event that I become really screwed up, I could reminisce and see the road which I took to arrive there. Haha. Well at least there's one girl that I know who's better than the lot, but that's cause she herself had myriad relationship shits too.
Ok I shall stop here cause' I'm really too annoyed and utterly disgusted to continue. Mere words cannot convey the extent of my feelings.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 8:19 AM
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Towards the Silence
Again its an annoying time. Thanks to the huge heap of conflicting and different advice I've been receiving, I think I'm going insane. Somehow because everyone has so different views on relationships, the things I'm told to do are so different there can be no compromise. Albeit, I realize that I probably
have already made the wrong choice.
"I guess I'll wait and see what happens, see how things work out with her first"
"So you'd still like her that much then? In that case you're really stupid."
Really stupid. Really stupid. OF COURSE I'VE BEEN REALLY STUPID. DO YOU THINK IT'S GREAT FUN TO BE STUCK LIKING SOMEONE WHO DON'T AND WON'T LIKE YOU BACK? DO YOU THINK I REALLY LIKE MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE ALL OVER, THIS TIME WITH MY EYES WIDE OPEN?
Sorry, but I guess I had to vent it. Honestly I don't care who reads this or what they think now. If your reading it, who think I was stupid, then just look at it and hopefully you'll sense the wrenching pain of my decision. I can no more go against it than if I were to tear my own heart out, cause that's what forces me onto this highway to hell.
Heh, as for "ignore everything and mug", I think its in pursuit of success in life, fair enough, but I feel there are different standards of success, and what I'd like is merely to be happy. Hence I can't sit there and do nothing. Well I hate to admit it but that's how I am. And yet again I am unfailingly creeped out by the number of weird people in RJ, perhaps only comforted (?) by the fact that others probably think me weird too, continually harping on this.
Well I bet you would too if the person tormenting you is continually in so close proximity to you, and there's absolutely NOTHING that you can do about it.
Reiterating on something I said before, its like touching an open wound. It hurts, but some sick fascination draws you to touch it. Somehow.
Save one breath for me
You promised me the sunrise,
at 8:10 AM
