Monday, April 20, 2009
Death be not proud
I haven't blogged for quite a while...
I feel weird now and this time I have a reason. On friday, my grandad passed on. Heaven better exist for him to go to, cause he's really been through a lot. Took a skip off chem focus to go back, exchange parting words with him. Apparently the hospital people gave up on him and so he was back home waiting to die...
Well I remember before he got sick, at least one million years ago, in another lifetime of innocence and joy, he used to bring me to eat donuts and drink sprite at the old community center near our school now. For some inane reason, I was always loved by him, beyond all the other grandchildren perhaps. Maybe it's because I was the eldest grandchild. Well the weekend wasn't easy. The last thing I told him was that I'd protect everyone we love. So I tried to ignore everything, and let those who needed comfort find it. So much so that it appears I have not had the time nor the ability to mourn properly. The most painful thing is to wake up after sweet dreams of sunshine, thinking that it was any other day, that nothing had happened, before realization hits.
Today was the wake. All because of my "blissful" relationship tales last year, I appear to have lost the ability to cry. In fact, I only teared a bit. Of course it doesn't help that you're crying inside, crying to the void but no one will ever hear it. It's just sad. Ironically, one of the last things he wrote about me (cause he couldn't talk) was asking of my results, and the phrase "Have you seen his girl?" Shit. I have a picture with me now. It's in my writing pad, to help me remember, and to push away the pathetic thoughts about "my girl" and help me press on when the going gets tough. At least there are SOME who care, especially Yen, who showed the most concern so far. Thanks friends!
For the time being, I guess the picture might hurt me to look at it, but eventually I'd be able to be motivated by it to carry on. Damn, I kinda hate life now, cause there ain't much of a silver lining to living, where and what am I looking forward to?
If not for the living and the dead, I won't even bother. Seriously.
Ok my thoughts may not be the most articulate here but today was the funeral wake after all. Cut me some slack man.
This may be my last post here, so cheers to all you readers.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 7:17 AM
