Sunday, March 28, 2010
Needs must
Empty space, hear my cry.
Why do girls always cause me such torment? I thought I'd specified to you just be there to comfort each other, physically or by talking, why are you falling into the trap of emotion? I honestly believe you need to think long on what I said that day, ask yourself, DO YOU LOVE ME or DO YOU NEED ME? They are very different things you know. If you tie yourself to someone you need, but don't love, you'll spend the rest of your time in entrapment, if you have no way out, if not you'll leave as soon as have no more use for the person, like a leech dropping off after its fill of blood.
And I can tell you, from what little experience I have, you don't really love me. So please don't hurt yourself by forcing it, really. I would only have wanted someone that could take my shit, as seeing my male friends have their own worries as well. And you needed my help right? When either of us stops needing the other, what will happen?
Also, if you are deluded by fairytales into thinking that I may secretly love you, don't flatter yourself any more please. I've been through too much hell for this to even dare to try anymore, sad to say. The only person I can safely say I ever loved truly, does not love me back. So enough of that.
I'm thinking of something to say but words are failing me. I thought we were clear at the start. Just perish the notion. Nothing will come from this. You are good enough to be able to get other better guys too, and I know I can get girls as well. So please if you need a boyfriend, go find others, I'm not ready to risk torment again, neither am I sure my heart can love anyone else.
There's trouble, but I will forge through it again. Alone, if need be.
You had better try to find another solution, my friend. If you really cannot bring yourself to admit that I'm not "the one", I will help you by severing our contact, completely, like I did with one other in the past, painful though it may be. That may seem drastic, but trust me, a murky situation where one or the other is left hanging is infinitely worse. I've been through it, I know.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 9:02 AM
Sunday, March 14, 2010
When you're too sick and tired to carry on
Ok I know really no one reads this already. But hell, even screaming into empty space is something I'd do now.
This entire year so far has been insane. To kind of sum things up, army.
I have changed so much that I find it hard to recognize myself in my thinking and my living. Though perhaps some (if not all) of you may think my life is damn shiok cause I'm far from being in a cheong Pes, think again. Being stuck doing a pretty much meaningless job and having ABSOLUTELY nothing to work for is really quite a strain. Worse if nothing you do will even make much difference. But its like that everywhere I go, so no comment there. Also trying to find a way to make time pass faster for those times where I have to spend hours on end staring into open space is pretty much impossible. Well, its true, maybe I am weak like that. But whatever, even if its a personal hell, its hell nonetheless.
As for other aspects of life, which has shrunk to about 1/10 of its normal size, things are pretty much messed up as well. Some of you may know that I'm currently attached. Yeah its quite a strange story, and I'm pretty sure Suze you too would not mind me saying this so here goes.
We are 2 lost souls looking for human companionship in these trying times in our lives. That''s basically how it starts, and we are currently supporting each other emotionally and physically. IMO, when a guy hugs a girl, holding her in your arms, one would just feel like a real man, and those protective instincts which are in all men would come to the forefront, making you feel like you are able to take on anything. But such times are fleeting, and inevitably, it would not be such acts, but real love, that can sustain a person in the long run. I don't know how love is, but this again feels different from my previous experience with Mari, it is more real, yet more surreal. I don't know what to believe. Our interests also seem very conflicted, sometimes leading to disputes and awkward silences. Ah well I need r/s counseling. Am I supposed to take it seriously? I thought we'd agreed to just try things out and see how they went...
But friday was completely insane. After the drinking with the dudes, going to club and meeting her, escorting her home and finally waking up kneeling by her bedside where I'd konked out...really I think a bit mad sia. I'm less a boy, more a man. Though we made sure and checked that we didn't do anything fishy, the experience still doesn't sit well with me. Any comments on this would be appreciated, so I know if this is considered insane or not. Oh wait, I'm talking to myself here. Damn, I'm insane.
I think its more painful for us to see our female batchmates carrying on with life, even enjoying themselves while we guys have to enter limbo for 2 years. Girls, cherish and enjoy freedom, and thank whichever god you believe in that you need not do this whole army thing. Almost everyone's changing, subtly, surely. Yet there are some who still haven't and I really appreciate the times I spend with these people, for they bring me back to a time in another lifetime, where there were less worries and life was worth the living no matter how painful it got.
I miss school to infinity. I miss the times in RI, playing with no care in the world. Hanging out everyday and talking, indulging in our weird fantasies and stuff. I miss the classrooms, which became our second homes. I miss the lessons, the endless fight with the school authorities, the bending of rules. I miss 2M and 4P. I miss the innocent times where me, Leo and Ed would sit outside 7 eleven at RJ and talk of who'd get attached first, while munching chocolate.
I miss the times in RJ, meeting and greeting the many people I knew as friends. I miss the tutorials where we could laugh and joke. I miss hanging out with OG in innocence. I miss class outings where everyone would let down our hair. Hell, I even miss the cramming for A levels, the actual taking of the A levels. At least back then there was meaning in doing such things. I miss the entire school campus. I miss having school holidays. Man, that's a lot of things to miss. Friends, hopefully we can survive this, and one day, we'd all pay a visit back to our school, and things would be back to normal for a while, if only for a little while.
There's so much more to say really, but 2359 approaches. Normally I'd have been stronger but just for tonight, I found I lacked the strength to carry on, so I came here to rant for a long while, since this is one of the places where I can rant so long without the other party running away from me. Heh. Anyone with any means to make my life better/cheer me up, let me know kay, I'd be more that happy to oblige.
Another foaming NSF.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 8:17 AM
