Saturday, April 17, 2010
Temporality
This week of leave...has been quite eventful, but not as happy as I'd hoped.
While I mixed with all the various groups of friends, I never managed to grab hold of everyone (the NSFs) for a mass gathering of enjoyment and hilarity. Ah well, less the chance now since many are going to OCS...
To luck, I'd say some people are better off, some worse than I. But it is in my nature to be malcontent with my lot. So it is that I still feel the need to sigh here.
The various things I did this week have awoken many things I had hidden. First was the weird talk on last saturday, where 3 of us exchanged our dark secrets, and you come to realize that some people's lives aren't as perfect as the facade they try to put forward.
Then came lunch on monday, where there was much nostalgia, walking through the old familiar places with the familiar people, it was quite a handful for my mind and heart. Following this, I then went on to the places at Dhoby where we used to chill out and play lan games, of course I indulged myself in those again while I was at it, and tasted for a moment, the sweetness of an innocent and indulgent life when I was younger, and life still held all its promises.
On tuesday was OG dinner, where I met the same gang of friends, yet different. In our own ways, we have all changed much. Though some things never change, (like Nat's style), time inevitably shows us its effects. It also reminded me of more carefree times where we would hang out longer into the night at places, Toa Payoh remember? There were more people with us then. There was no sadness in it for me, there was hope.
Also, I went out with the gang again, and this time the trip brought us to Funan, where we relived some old memories (and disputes) of DoTA and competitions. Walking back from Funan, the bunch of us reminisced about math tuition and the A-level period, where we would be walking back that way on sunday nights, but spontaneously decide to play lan or eat dinner at Soup Spoon, or just to chill out. Even though the next day was a monday, we'd still hang late, for our energy comes from knowing that though there would be school the next week, we were still free people. And that really mattered.
That brings to mind the A-level period. It was intense, but it was fun. Like living life precariously with a sense of danger, with the friends and comrades you picked up in 2 years all striving for the same goal, it feels great. Better than now where each is sentenced to his own individual hell.
And I have been saving this for last. The class dinner really hit home some things to me. It makes me feel again the tantalizing scent of what could have been, and sharpens the image of the mistakes I made. After my stints this year, I've come to realize love and what it entails. It brings about an elevated awareness of a person and her presence, as well as emotions attached to that. And when they are happy, you would be content too. The path to happiness in love is not self-gratification, rather it is selfless giving to the one you love, and her smile, her happiness is your ticket to earthly paradise. Thus is love selfless. I finally understand that but perhaps too late. I feel sad that this is wasted, understanding has been granted me, but not the chance I really need. Yet not all hope is lost. I will make this succeed somehow. Or at least let her know how true my feelings are, even after all that.
To life, it is worrying. Dad's not back from overseas yet, don't know where he is. Mom is mega stressed and stuff cause of aunt being hospitalized and all. And of course there is me. Maybe I'm too immature to handle this on my own, but I've been trying. And it has been hard, really hard.
Give me a glimmer of light and hope, something to cling to please.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 10:07 AM
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Flight of time
Oh wow I'm 19 already. I thought I haven't changed at all, but looking at myself from another person's PoV (and from what others have said) it seems I have!
I appear to be more willing to try new things, and less explosive and impulsive. Though if your into that kind of thing, you'd be glad to hear that I still retain those traits, so gimme a nudge in the right direction to see good old times explode again right in front of your eyes :)
Unfortunately, my way of thinking still hasn't changed, so I still appear as cynical as ever. Which I am. Though this won't kill anyone cause words don't kill people, guns do. However, like I said, more controlled. Means I won't shoot off my mouth anywhere to piss people off.
R/S wise...more messed up. I'm on extended holiday from that for the time being. Cause its so messed up I already almost cannot keep track of what the heck's been going on lately. And in the past. Just thinking of it gives me a headache, a soul-ache and a heart-ache. And makes me think more of the 19 shots which I'm gonna down this weekend. So thinking and doing less on this won't hurt anyone, least of all myself.
Quite an awesome birthday this year, though I did have duty in the morning, my friends and family really outdid themselves. Even if you think just going to my facebook wall and typing a few words is really nothing or dropping me an sms is no effort at all, at least you had remembered my birthday. And that's all that counts :)
Got some awesome presents too, and nice people are allowed to come over and play with them. Good things are to be shared after all. As for those who...forgot to do anything or were too busy, don't worry, you still have this weekend to redeem yourself. After which inaction will result in an instant delete+ban from all my social networks including real life. :D
Oh I jest.
This week everyone PoPs, its gonna be good to see the brothers all free for a week, myself included, for I too am taking block leave! Bwahaha. Maybe take some pics to revive my otherwise dead facebook photo life. 9 days of slack to look forward to, but first, I must survive tomorrow. Oh this means I have to sleep now. Gyah. See you all then...
You promised me the sunrise,
at 8:59 AM
