Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Nihilistic
Was there any other choice?
I tell you being posted to the ward of the clinically insane was quite draining. Being rather sensitive to emotion, I could feel the despair and hopelessness emanating from those...patients. I'm sure even if you are not you'd still feel like shit after staring at people staring into space for the whole day.
Fortunately, I'm out. Not completely without effort on my part.
Apparently I'm an extremely nihilistic person, and perhaps they didn't want this to spread among the patients. Looking at myself now though, I can't say it is far from the truth. All the misfortune and suffering of this year, the mess of a relationship life I've had, the death of the aunt, the army, all have slowly eroded away my old self. Slowly, as army has harshly slashed the amount of time I spend with my friends, I'm beginning to lose the sense of happiness or belonging. The suffering and drear of life has numbed my emotions and morals. Coupled with the busy lives of my friends in army and my family being busy, I have become almost completely detached and empty. This is quite a step closer to nihilism in itself. Furthermore, my basic belief has now become similar to that of FF6's Kefka Palazzo: That we are all destined to die, and that none of our actions will mean anything to us once we are; we will not be there to receive happiness for what we do once we are dead.
Thus, I've come to realize the futility and lack of meaning that existence purveys. This is known as
existential nihilism. Yet, while we can, we should seek out gratification in life. Not delayed, but instantaneous. Your delayed gratification will mean nothing if you die the next second. Therefore, enjoy it right now.
Recently, I've found it hard to enjoy anything. While it may seem that I am, I have been trying as hard as I could to present the front that everyone knows and likes (?) about me. Even when I'm not really feeling that way. But I still hope beyond hope that I will be able to revert, through some miracle. (hopefully not involving anything bad) It's the same as ranting on this blog. I know that no one reads but I do anyway. Heh.
Besides, looking at the current situation, I'd say its a joke anyway.
My thoughts at this moment are too messed up to write down. Perhaps I may not go for the class bbq on saturday after all. It would remind me acutely of who I was before, someone who was vocal, frank, faithful, who loved, laughed, played, worked, and most importantly, lived.
Or maybe going back might bring me back to myself?
I highly doubt it. It would probably enforce my thinking of the futility of life anyway, seeing as how much wasted thoughts, time and emotion was spent.
You promised me the sunrise,
at 9:34 AM
