Negacion

It just seems so retarded, the entire notion of existence. We never made the choice to enter life, and given such a choice at least half the people alive now would opt out, knowing that the entire thing is futile. If so, why would suicide be a cardinal sin? Is a gift not willingly accepted still a gift? By right. But by human standards, throwing away that gift is completely acceptable as well. Seeing as how I should know by experience. However, we are not thinking of human moral standards, rather the cosmic rules. So I shall decline to comment further. It's just like the readers of this blog, for all I know (and care) they do not exist.
You may have heard the news of the person who got slashed from RJ. Sad story, that.
Promising life ahead with such great grades, and gets accosted and injured so badly for what? For a cheap ass phone and hand held cash. Like any GUY carries much cash with him anyway.
Even if the people who did this lost their lives, who lost more? Those people were probably useless anyway. Their damage to the prospects of such a promising person is worth more than that.
Hence, we can always see that those with more to lose will always lose more in the end. Take for example a rich dude and a poor dude. If both are slashed to death, obviously the rich dude stands to lose more. Death will equate all our lives. Though said rich dude probably can hire bodyguards to prevent such an event. Even so, such a life is meaningless in the face of Time.
So, people should start planning such that they have absolutely nothing left when they die so they can die laughing at the others who will soon lose their hard earned riches and stuff.
It's hard, but I think this is the best way to face death down.
I'm guessing that I have gone at least 85% crazy already from the fact that I actually believe what I wrote. Only a matter of time I guess. Though no one really cares I suppose, if not people might have noticed me wasting away slowly. And yes, physically.
Find me something I can find joy in please. Someone, somewhere.

Gran Caida

Ok its finally reached this.
I have selected this way as no other way has worked so far.
Besides, no one knows enough or cares enough to help. Well whatever.
In from of Nobody here, this is probably the last time I post with this semi-healthy state of mind.
Now the time comes, let us prepare for the completion of the final exequias before taking the Gran Caida. See you all.

Nihilistic

Was there any other choice?
I tell you being posted to the ward of the clinically insane was quite draining. Being rather sensitive to emotion, I could feel the despair and hopelessness emanating from those...patients. I'm sure even if you are not you'd still feel like shit after staring at people staring into space for the whole day.
Fortunately, I'm out. Not completely without effort on my part.
Apparently I'm an extremely nihilistic person, and perhaps they didn't want this to spread among the patients. Looking at myself now though, I can't say it is far from the truth. All the misfortune and suffering of this year, the mess of a relationship life I've had, the death of the aunt, the army, all have slowly eroded away my old self. Slowly, as army has harshly slashed the amount of time I spend with my friends, I'm beginning to lose the sense of happiness or belonging. The suffering and drear of life has numbed my emotions and morals. Coupled with the busy lives of my friends in army and my family being busy, I have become almost completely detached and empty. This is quite a step closer to nihilism in itself. Furthermore, my basic belief has now become similar to that of FF6's Kefka Palazzo: That we are all destined to die, and that none of our actions will mean anything to us once we are; we will not be there to receive happiness for what we do once we are dead.
Thus, I've come to realize the futility and lack of meaning that existence purveys. This is known as existential nihilism. Yet, while we can, we should seek out gratification in life. Not delayed, but instantaneous. Your delayed gratification will mean nothing if you die the next second. Therefore, enjoy it right now.
Recently, I've found it hard to enjoy anything. While it may seem that I am, I have been trying as hard as I could to present the front that everyone knows and likes (?) about me. Even when I'm not really feeling that way. But I still hope beyond hope that I will be able to revert, through some miracle. (hopefully not involving anything bad) It's the same as ranting on this blog. I know that no one reads but I do anyway. Heh.
Besides, looking at the current situation, I'd say its a joke anyway.
My thoughts at this moment are too messed up to write down. Perhaps I may not go for the class bbq on saturday after all. It would remind me acutely of who I was before, someone who was vocal, frank, faithful, who loved, laughed, played, worked, and most importantly, lived.
Or maybe going back might bring me back to myself?
I highly doubt it. It would probably enforce my thinking of the futility of life anyway, seeing as how much wasted thoughts, time and emotion was spent.

Temporality

This week of leave...has been quite eventful, but not as happy as I'd hoped.
While I mixed with all the various groups of friends, I never managed to grab hold of everyone (the NSFs) for a mass gathering of enjoyment and hilarity. Ah well, less the chance now since many are going to OCS...
To luck, I'd say some people are better off, some worse than I. But it is in my nature to be malcontent with my lot. So it is that I still feel the need to sigh here.
The various things I did this week have awoken many things I had hidden. First was the weird talk on last saturday, where 3 of us exchanged our dark secrets, and you come to realize that some people's lives aren't as perfect as the facade they try to put forward.
Then came lunch on monday, where there was much nostalgia, walking through the old familiar places with the familiar people, it was quite a handful for my mind and heart. Following this, I then went on to the places at Dhoby where we used to chill out and play lan games, of course I indulged myself in those again while I was at it, and tasted for a moment, the sweetness of an innocent and indulgent life when I was younger, and life still held all its promises.
On tuesday was OG dinner, where I met the same gang of friends, yet different. In our own ways, we have all changed much. Though some things never change, (like Nat's style), time inevitably shows us its effects. It also reminded me of more carefree times where we would hang out longer into the night at places, Toa Payoh remember? There were more people with us then. There was no sadness in it for me, there was hope.
Also, I went out with the gang again, and this time the trip brought us to Funan, where we relived some old memories (and disputes) of DoTA and competitions. Walking back from Funan, the bunch of us reminisced about math tuition and the A-level period, where we would be walking back that way on sunday nights, but spontaneously decide to play lan or eat dinner at Soup Spoon, or just to chill out. Even though the next day was a monday, we'd still hang late, for our energy comes from knowing that though there would be school the next week, we were still free people. And that really mattered.
That brings to mind the A-level period. It was intense, but it was fun. Like living life precariously with a sense of danger, with the friends and comrades you picked up in 2 years all striving for the same goal, it feels great. Better than now where each is sentenced to his own individual hell.
And I have been saving this for last. The class dinner really hit home some things to me. It makes me feel again the tantalizing scent of what could have been, and sharpens the image of the mistakes I made. After my stints this year, I've come to realize love and what it entails. It brings about an elevated awareness of a person and her presence, as well as emotions attached to that. And when they are happy, you would be content too. The path to happiness in love is not self-gratification, rather it is selfless giving to the one you love, and her smile, her happiness is your ticket to earthly paradise. Thus is love selfless. I finally understand that but perhaps too late. I feel sad that this is wasted, understanding has been granted me, but not the chance I really need. Yet not all hope is lost. I will make this succeed somehow. Or at least let her know how true my feelings are, even after all that.
To life, it is worrying. Dad's not back from overseas yet, don't know where he is. Mom is mega stressed and stuff cause of aunt being hospitalized and all. And of course there is me. Maybe I'm too immature to handle this on my own, but I've been trying. And it has been hard, really hard.
Give me a glimmer of light and hope, something to cling to please.

Flight of time

Oh wow I'm 19 already. I thought I haven't changed at all, but looking at myself from another person's PoV (and from what others have said) it seems I have!
I appear to be more willing to try new things, and less explosive and impulsive. Though if your into that kind of thing, you'd be glad to hear that I still retain those traits, so gimme a nudge in the right direction to see good old times explode again right in front of your eyes :)
Unfortunately, my way of thinking still hasn't changed, so I still appear as cynical as ever. Which I am. Though this won't kill anyone cause words don't kill people, guns do. However, like I said, more controlled. Means I won't shoot off my mouth anywhere to piss people off.
R/S wise...more messed up. I'm on extended holiday from that for the time being. Cause its so messed up I already almost cannot keep track of what the heck's been going on lately. And in the past. Just thinking of it gives me a headache, a soul-ache and a heart-ache. And makes me think more of the 19 shots which I'm gonna down this weekend. So thinking and doing less on this won't hurt anyone, least of all myself.
Quite an awesome birthday this year, though I did have duty in the morning, my friends and family really outdid themselves. Even if you think just going to my facebook wall and typing a few words is really nothing or dropping me an sms is no effort at all, at least you had remembered my birthday. And that's all that counts :)
Got some awesome presents too, and nice people are allowed to come over and play with them. Good things are to be shared after all. As for those who...forgot to do anything or were too busy, don't worry, you still have this weekend to redeem yourself. After which inaction will result in an instant delete+ban from all my social networks including real life. :D
Oh I jest.
This week everyone PoPs, its gonna be good to see the brothers all free for a week, myself included, for I too am taking block leave! Bwahaha. Maybe take some pics to revive my otherwise dead facebook photo life. 9 days of slack to look forward to, but first, I must survive tomorrow. Oh this means I have to sleep now. Gyah. See you all then...

Needs must

Empty space, hear my cry.
Why do girls always cause me such torment? I thought I'd specified to you just be there to comfort each other, physically or by talking, why are you falling into the trap of emotion? I honestly believe you need to think long on what I said that day, ask yourself, DO YOU LOVE ME or DO YOU NEED ME? They are very different things you know. If you tie yourself to someone you need, but don't love, you'll spend the rest of your time in entrapment, if you have no way out, if not you'll leave as soon as have no more use for the person, like a leech dropping off after its fill of blood.
And I can tell you, from what little experience I have, you don't really love me. So please don't hurt yourself by forcing it, really. I would only have wanted someone that could take my shit, as seeing my male friends have their own worries as well. And you needed my help right? When either of us stops needing the other, what will happen?
Also, if you are deluded by fairytales into thinking that I may secretly love you, don't flatter yourself any more please. I've been through too much hell for this to even dare to try anymore, sad to say. The only person I can safely say I ever loved truly, does not love me back. So enough of that.
I'm thinking of something to say but words are failing me. I thought we were clear at the start. Just perish the notion. Nothing will come from this. You are good enough to be able to get other better guys too, and I know I can get girls as well. So please if you need a boyfriend, go find others, I'm not ready to risk torment again, neither am I sure my heart can love anyone else.
There's trouble, but I will forge through it again. Alone, if need be.
You had better try to find another solution, my friend. If you really cannot bring yourself to admit that I'm not "the one", I will help you by severing our contact, completely, like I did with one other in the past, painful though it may be. That may seem drastic, but trust me, a murky situation where one or the other is left hanging is infinitely worse. I've been through it, I know.

Truth or lies?

In our life, there's IF.
In our beliefs, there's LIE.
In our business, there's SIN.
In our bodies, there's DIE.

(This was my life-Megadeth)

Moses
RJ :(
Ex 4P dude!
BB o7!
09So7B
That girl :D
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